09-26-2021, 07:56 PM
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Hi Tim.
Big improvement (don't you agree?).
I think it might help to change the 'you' to 'her', the 'you' rather excludes the reader.
It goes a little flat in places, but I don't think it would take you too long to find to more music to lift it up again.
I found you in a folk-dance class ........ I like the details you normally bring to this sort of line, time/place etc, where are they? And why were you in a folk dance class anyway?
confessed my instant attraction
and you took my phone number.
A rabbi’s daughter become ..................what does it matter that she's a rabbi's daughter?
a dark Romani princess ...................... 'Romani' doesn't work (nor did gypsy), given the 'folk dance class' isn't there a figure from folklore to which you can compare her?)
hungry for men. ................................. why 'men' and not 'life' or 'experience' or anything that isn't so clearly judgemental? Also you deal with this in the second verse with some subtlty, not this bludgeouning line.
You called me out
into the early spring night.
I remember your laughter
vibrating into our embrace. .............. 'vibrating' ain't no improvement. And how does the 'and' of the next line relate to this?
And you told me
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
I followed you for weeks
until the weight of your wildness
wore me down to a preference .......... 'preference' is such a disappointment after the preceding line.
for loneliness, but those moments
that I spent studying you
never left me alone again. ................ like this, and the idea of this, but 'studying'? How romantic.
Forty years later
marooned with only
those moments for shelter
you’re the fire of my wan signal
to the passing of time.
Love’s reckoning
still waits on this empty shore .......... I agree with Mark, again, about the 'marooned' idea. Why aren't you on the edge of a (folk) dance floor waiting to ... you get the idea?
for an impossible beginning. ............ not sure what 'beginning' means here. Perhaps, waiting on this empty shore / for the impossible. ?
My two penny-worth.
Last Dance
I met her in a folk-dance class
that (some name/ my sister) dragged me to
reluctantly, in Dallas, when winter ........ you can do better than this, I'm sure
was melting, and she had my number
before (name of some dance was over)
I'd never met a rabbi's daughter,
nor ever danced a polka,
so maybe that was why.
She called me out
in a voice like (you fill in the blank)
into the early spring night.
and her laughter felt like fireflies (or something seasonally appropriate)
against my belly.
I let her lead for weeks
until the weight of all that wildness
wore me down, and left me
growing into solitude
even as those moments
that I spent with her
never leave me alone
She told me that she wanted to
live in a house in Oregon, on a beach
with a man who didn’t care
who else held her.
Forty years a wallflower
waiting on this empty floor
for the band to play
and the impossible to begin.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi Tim.
Big improvement (don't you agree?).
I think it might help to change the 'you' to 'her', the 'you' rather excludes the reader.
It goes a little flat in places, but I don't think it would take you too long to find to more music to lift it up again.
I found you in a folk-dance class ........ I like the details you normally bring to this sort of line, time/place etc, where are they? And why were you in a folk dance class anyway?
confessed my instant attraction
and you took my phone number.
A rabbi’s daughter become ..................what does it matter that she's a rabbi's daughter?
a dark Romani princess ...................... 'Romani' doesn't work (nor did gypsy), given the 'folk dance class' isn't there a figure from folklore to which you can compare her?)
hungry for men. ................................. why 'men' and not 'life' or 'experience' or anything that isn't so clearly judgemental? Also you deal with this in the second verse with some subtlty, not this bludgeouning line.
You called me out
into the early spring night.
I remember your laughter
vibrating into our embrace. .............. 'vibrating' ain't no improvement. And how does the 'and' of the next line relate to this?
And you told me
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
I followed you for weeks
until the weight of your wildness
wore me down to a preference .......... 'preference' is such a disappointment after the preceding line.
for loneliness, but those moments
that I spent studying you
never left me alone again. ................ like this, and the idea of this, but 'studying'? How romantic.
Forty years later
marooned with only
those moments for shelter
you’re the fire of my wan signal
to the passing of time.
Love’s reckoning
still waits on this empty shore .......... I agree with Mark, again, about the 'marooned' idea. Why aren't you on the edge of a (folk) dance floor waiting to ... you get the idea?
for an impossible beginning. ............ not sure what 'beginning' means here. Perhaps, waiting on this empty shore / for the impossible. ?
My two penny-worth.
Last Dance
I met her in a folk-dance class
that (some name/ my sister) dragged me to
reluctantly, in Dallas, when winter ........ you can do better than this, I'm sure
was melting, and she had my number
before (name of some dance was over)
I'd never met a rabbi's daughter,
nor ever danced a polka,
so maybe that was why.
She called me out
in a voice like (you fill in the blank)
into the early spring night.
and her laughter felt like fireflies (or something seasonally appropriate)
against my belly.
I let her lead for weeks
until the weight of all that wildness
wore me down, and left me
growing into solitude
even as those moments
that I spent with her
never leave me alone
She told me that she wanted to
live in a house in Oregon, on a beach
with a man who didn’t care
who else held her.
Forty years a wallflower
waiting on this empty floor
for the band to play
and the impossible to begin.
Best, Knot.
.