I found you in a folk-dance class confessed my instant attraction and you took my phone number You called me out into the early spring night. I remember your laughter echoing inside our embrace. You told me you wanted to live on a beach in Oregon with a man who didn’t care who else held you.
You were a rabbi’s daughter become a dark Romani princess hungry for men. I followed you for weeks until the weight of your wildness wore me down to a bent loneliness, but those hours I spent in sexless surveillance never left me alone again.
Forty years later marooned with only those moments for shelter you’re the fire of my wan signal to the passing of time. Love’s reckoning still waits on this empty shore for an impossible beginning.
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played. evocative opening
A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess,
you called me out good line break here
into the early spring night,
I remember only your laughter
against my loins,
you told me of your lovers,this detail seems disconnected from what follows
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care another good line break!
who else held you.
The next night you appeared maybe, "The next night when you appeared..." and a hot rod angel homed in homed on toon your come hither
before I could ready my heart.maybe a period after "heart" so it adds power to the last lines? for the The shock of seeing love
when she's not looking. Contracting to "she's" seems to fit the meter better?
I get the last 2 lines, yet they seem to need a bit more work, but I don't have a suggestion.
You've been posting some good work, Tim; you seem to have found your voice.
Cool beans,
Mark
(09-21-2021, 09:37 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ]I massaged your back while Rainy Night in Georgia played. A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess, you called me out into the early spring night, perhaps "that" rather than "the" I remember only your laughter against my loins, nice white space here in lieu of ellipsis (g)
you told me of your lovers, perhaps colon rather than comma... or not, in case the next line is independent, but it's not, is it? you wanted to live in a house on a beach in Oregon with a man who didn’t care who else held you. deadly.
The next night you appeared do you need "[T]he" here? "Next night you reappeared," perhaps? and a hot rod angel homed on to your come hither hyphen, "come-hither" before I could ready my heart for the shock of seeing love when she is not looking. perhaps "isn't" here for the rhythm, though it breaks formality?
It's raining here today, but neither succubi nor angels are making an appearance. Ah, well, to work (moderately).
The descent from personal (with details) to impersonal (any scratching post will do) is nicely rendered here. Perhaps disappointment could also be implied or stated at the end... or, if not intended, its absence indicated or celebrated.
ForGiving
I felt the joy a springtime morning brings,
the day you sang your heart to me, alone.
You offered me a song that I still sing,
its melody, the dearest gift I own.
When nights were young- affection raw and bare-
hot pleasures blazed between our souls like fire.
We danced on glowing embers without care
and fanned the flames that sprang from pure desire.
Last night, we peeled through books of photographs,
we had to smile at how we looked back then.
Between the pages, notes that made us laugh,
a message written sometime way back when-
that love is forgiving, makes life worth the living- still true,
and sure enough, it has steadily carried us through.
(09-21-2021, 09:37 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ]I massaged your back while Rainy Night in Georgia played. A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess, (I particularly like this line) you called me out into the early spring night, I remember only your laughter against my loins,
you told me of your lovers, you wanted to live in a house on a beach in Oregon with a man who didn’t care who else held you. (Personally, I'd add the word 'had' here. Just a small difference so that it reads "who else had held you")
The next night you appeared and a hot rod angel homed on to your come hither before I could ready my heart for the shock of seeing love when she is not looking.
I like how your poem shows the memories in vivid detail.
(actually, even Dark Princess might make a better title than what you've currently got. Can't tell who or what was marooned, or where).
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter. Dark princess,
you called me out ......................................is this a separate event from the first three lines? I'm confused by the timing.
into the early spring night,
I remember only your laughter
against my loins, ...................................... 'loins' seems from a different lexicon. The line (which you could probably cut) suggests the massage is still going on, but then, back to L4.
you told me of your lovers, ..................... I agree with Mark about cutting 'lovers', it/they are implied by the last line of the verse. (Don't think you need to change that, as it is it implies 'you' will never be faithful to anyone but herself.)
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
The next night you appeared and a hot rod angel homed on to your come hither ............. this just doesn't seem that relevant, does it matter who it was (and 'hot rod angel' well, not good)? Seems like an unnecessary detail, perhaps start at L4 and see if it leads to a better ending?
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she is not looking. ..................... how does this contribute to 'the shock'?
(09-22-2021, 11:13 PM)Knot Wrote: [ -> ].
Hi TqB,
need we mention the title?
Just following Mark on this one, really. So
(actually, even Dark Princess might make a better title than what you've currently got. Can't tell who or what was marooned, or where).
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter. Dark princess,
you called me out ......................................is this a separate event from the first three lines? I'm confused by the timing.
into the early spring night,
I remember only your laughter
against my loins, ...................................... 'loins' seems from a different lexicon. The line (which you could probably cut) suggests the massage is still going on, but then, back to L4.
you told me of your lovers, ..................... I agree with Mark about cutting 'lovers', it/they are implied by the last line of the verse. (Don't think you need to change that, as it is it implies 'you' will never be faithful to anyone but herself.)
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
The next night you appeared and a hot rod angel homed on to your come hither ............. this just doesn't seem that relevant, does it matter who it was (and 'hot rod angel' well, not good)? Seems like an unnecessary detail, perhaps start at L4 and see if it leads to a better ending?
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she is not looking. ..................... how does this contribute to 'the shock'?
A promising start, now keep that promise.
Best, Knot
Thanks Knot,
I've collapsed events together here and was hoping I could get away with it.
Loins: it was an embrace combined with laughter, she was about a foot shorter, so, body mechanics. Not many pleasant word choices unless I go anatomical.
he was literally that, a blonde hunk who was building a hot rod in a storage shed,
perhaps I should capitalize, it's love who is no longer looking (at me):
"for the shock of seeing Love
when She is not looking."
I've collapsed events together here and was hoping I could get away with it. I think you did a very good job of that, actually.
Loins: it was an embrace combined with laughter, she was about a foot shorter, so, body mechanics. Not many pleasant word choices unless I go anatomical.Ah, ah- no explaining, please, unless this is conveyed in the poem. "Not pleasant" word choices are perfectly fine in my eyes. I, too, would find something other than "loins". Was her head on yer balls? yer thighs? yer ass? Something a bit juicier than "loins".
he was literally that, a blonde hunk who was building a hot rod in a storage shed,
I might go with "RED HOT ROD" and leave out "angel". So what if he was blonde, as it seems that he was red hot to her. We don't know anything about him unless you tell us, and it's AOK in this poem to alter the facts to strengthen the image.
perhaps I should capitalize, it's love who is no longer looking (at me): Don't over think it, man. The capital "L" and "S" ain't working for me.
"for the shock of seeing Love
when She is not looking."
so I was left "marooned". I wasn't bothered by "marooned", and I got it. That said, the last 2 lines need an overhaul, to convey that deflated feeling of seeing that look in her eye directed at him, and not you.
Loins: it was an embrace combined with laughter, she was about a foot shorter, so, body mechanics. Not many pleasant word choices unless I go anatomical.
Like I said, I was struggling to relate this to 'massage', the 'embrace' is new. So yeah, collapse fail.
As to 'body mechanics' - could you not find a way to paint the picture and let the reader supply their own word.
he was literally that, a blonde hunk who was building a hot rod in a storage shed,
But so what? None of that matters to N, what matters is she left, or, as you might put it, that he was marooned. What conclusions is the reader meant to draw from 'blonde hunk, etc'? And how might they be relevant?
That (at me) makes a big difference, still struggling with how 'when She is not looking' relates to shock though. Maybe it's a punctuation problem? Or just me.
(Alternatively, ... the shock of seeing love / as she was leaving me ? so you were left "marooned" )
maroon - it implies a place, doesn't it (or even a state of being)? Either way, not something you've explored in the piece.
.
Hi TqB,
yes, I think your going in the right direction, elements of the new ending certainly add to the piece. Where I still think you're going astray is in 'the other man' section/s. I just don't think they're necessary to the reader.
Forty years ago
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter, dark gypsy princess.
your laughter echoing ............................... anything more sensual than 'echoing'?
against my hips as we embraced.
And you told me you wanted to live
in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care who else held you.
You were not done with me yet, you tracked me to the restaurant kitchen and my fellow fry-cook, fresh from Viet Nam, homed on to your come-hither you sashayed into his arms before I could ready my heart for the shock of seeing love when she looks at another. ......................... don't think any of this matters. It's about you and her, no-one else.
Today you’re a schoolteacher
in Queens, ..................................................(be nice to have a bit more detail here, is she married? What effect has being a 'rabbi's daughter' had?)
-
And I can't seem to stop
waiting, on this empty beach
for another beginning.
that last memory keeps me company
the shock of seeing love
looking at another
Really enjoyed the metaphor of this memory of a loved one being like an island. More thoughts below
(09-21-2021, 09:37 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ]I massaged your back while Rainy Night in Georgia played. A rabbi’s daughter, dark gypsy princess. The word "gypsy" is considered by some Romani people to be a slur, so is the use of gypsy supposed to infer anything valuable to the reader about the N? Could "dark Romani princess" work in its place just as well? Next time, you called me out into midnight, I actually liked the feel of "early spring night" I remember your laughter echoing from your diaphragm against my hips as we embraced. I love this sequence, but the height difference in the imagery makes me think that we are instead dealing with a daughter or mentee of some sort rather than a lover imo. I do think "hips" works better than "loins"
And you told me you wanted to live in a house on a beach in Oregon with a man who didn’t care who else held you.
You were not done with me yet, you tracked me to the restaurant kitchen and my fellow fry-cook, fresh from Viet Nam, homed on to your come-hither you sashayed into his arms nitpick but maybe you could add an "and" at the beginning? Also like the use of sashay before I could ready my heart for the shock of seeing love when she looks at another. usually i try to discourage fellow poets from using abstractions like love and heart, but the way the terms are used here works well, fits well with the rest of the poem, and seems grounded by not trying to say something profound about the concept of love or whatever. Overall I really liked this stanza and found it improved on the one in the previous draft.
Forty years later I revisit these adventures in heartbreak I think "in heartbreak" could be cut here. the feeling was done justice in the past stanza i think marooned here with only this last memory for company. Today you’re a schoolteacher in Queens, but on my desert island you’re the fire of my wan signal "fire of my wan signal" produces a strong image and strong feelings to the passing ships of time love this line and its implications that love’s reckoning Not sure how this connects. Is the N hoping that if he won't be rescued that this desert island will start growing with life again? I think there has to be a better way to connect these ideas if so, rather than just using "that" at the start of this line. Maybe you could simply switch "that" out with "if"? still waits on this empty beach for another beginning. Nicely done, the addition of this stanza really sharpens the poem in a way that is still subtle imo
I massaged your back while Rainy Night in Georgia played. A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess, you called me out into the early spring night, I remember only your laughter against my loins,
you told me of your lovers, you wanted to live in a house on a beach in Oregon with a man who didn’t care who else held you.
The next night you appeared and a hot rod angel homed on to your come hither before I could ready my heart for the shock of seeing love when she is not looking.
I will try to step back and work with the idea of that cut, the other man bit, but it's a hard pill to swallow
And Alex,
Thanks for the edit suggestions. Romani is actually a very cool word, although if I read it, I'd think the author was specifying a race....but anyway, I like it
And all the others, I'll be using them one way or the other. I seem to be damned whatever I do about the "laughter/hips" part but I think I just found a way out of it. And brilliant suggestion on the ending. I was trancing when I wrote the ending.
TqB And also
(09-25-2021, 01:11 AM)Knot Wrote: [ -> ].
Hi TqB,
yes, I think your going in the right direction, elements of the new ending certainly add to the piece. Where I still think you're going astray is in 'the other man' section/s. I just don't think they're necessary to the reader.
Forty years ago yikes, thanks for this save
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter, dark gypsy princess.
your laughter echoing ............................... anything more sensual than 'echoing'? i've come up with a new line, but alas, it's using echo
against my hips as we embraced.
And you told me you wanted to live
in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care who else held you.
You were not done with me yet, you tracked me to the restaurant kitchen and my fellow fry-cook, fresh from Viet Nam, homed on to your come-hither you sashayed into his arms before I could ready my heart for the shock of seeing love when she looks at another. ......................... don't think any of this matters. It's about you and her, no-one else. I'm simply confounded by this idea, that it doens't matter to anyone else, it was an integral part of the reason I still remember this.
Today you’re a schoolteacher
in Queens, ..................................................(be nice to have a bit more detail here, is she married? What effect has being a 'rabbi's daughter' had?). married, with a kid and that's as far as my internet stalking went. I could talk about her father, but it would have to come earlier I think.
And I can't seem to stop
waiting, on this empty beach
for another beginning.
that last memory keeps me company
the shock of seeing love
looking at another I miss my "reckoning"
when she looks at another. ......................... don't think any of this matters. It's about you and her, no-one else. I'm simply confounded by this idea, that it doesn't matter to anyone else, it was an integral part of the reason I still remember this. Perhaps the problem is the language you're using borders on cliché, come hither and sashay? And what does 'you were not done with me yet' mean in the context of the two verses that precede the line. What was she doing to you there?
Alternatively, maybe it's a structural issue. We (the reader) already know by the end of the last verse that 'fidelity' (for want of a term) is not something that matters to her (and why it matters to you is never explained) so when she leaves N for someone else it isn't a surprise. You may not have seen it coming, we did. When you come to remember these events, where do you start? I wonder if, in trying to be linear you create difficulties for yourself. Is there any way to begin with the 'betrayal' and go backwards and/or forwards from there?
in Queens, ..................................................(be nice to have a bit more detail here, is she married? What effect has being a 'rabbi's daughter' had?). married, with a kid and that's as far as my internet stalking went. I could talk about her father, but it would have to come earlier I think. Right, so is N wondering if she's faithful to the husband, or thinking that she married someone who doesn't care 'who else holds her'? She was 'dark' at the beginning, is she grey now? Otherwise why mention these details? Is N still seeing her as he wants her to be or as she is, then and now?
Hey Tim-
Some thoughts on V3, which I think is a more coherent whole. That said, I thinlk that the "marooned" idea needs to die, as you seem to be overly focused on it, and it is not helping this piece. So, a new title would be in order. I get the marooned feeling, BUT...
Below I made cuts and additions, which are presented as suggestions:
Attracted at a folk-dance class
you instantly got my number.
A rabbi’s daughter became
a dark Romani princess-
you called me out
into the early spring night.
I remember your laughter
vibrating within our embrace.
You told me you wanted to live
in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
I held out for weeks
until the weight of your wildness
wore me down to prefer
loneliness-
yet forty years later those moments
still won't leave me alone
I think it might help to change the 'you' to 'her', the 'you' rather excludes the reader.
It goes a little flat in places, but I don't think it would take you too long to find to more music to lift it up again.
I found you in a folk-dance class ........ I like the details you normally bring to this sort of line, time/place etc, where are they? And why were you in a folk dance class anyway?
confessed my instant attraction
and you took my phone number.
A rabbi’s daughter become ..................what does it matter that she's a rabbi's daughter?
a dark Romani princess ...................... 'Romani' doesn't work (nor did gypsy), given the 'folk dance class' isn't there a figure from folklore to which you can compare her?)
hungry for men. ................................. why 'men' and not 'life' or 'experience' or anything that isn't so clearly judgemental? Also you deal with this in the second verse with some subtlty, not thisbludgeouning line.
You called me out
into the early spring night.
I remember your laughter
vibrating into our embrace. .............. 'vibrating' ain't no improvement. And how does the 'and' of the next line relate to this?
And you told me
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
I followed you for weeks
until the weight of your wildness
wore me down to a preference .......... 'preference' is such a disappointment after the preceding line.
for loneliness, but those moments
that I spent studying you
never left me alone again. ................ like this, and the idea of this, but 'studying'? How romantic.
Forty years later
marooned with only
those moments for shelter
you’re the fire of my wan signal
to the passing of time.
Love’s reckoning
still waits on this empty shore .......... I agree with Mark, again, about the 'marooned' idea. Why aren't you on the edge of a (folk) dance floor waiting to ... you get the idea?
for an impossible beginning. ............ not sure what 'beginning' means here. Perhaps, waiting on this empty shore / for the impossible. ?
My two penny-worth.
Last Dance
I met her in a folk-dance class
that (some name/ my sister) dragged me to
reluctantly, in Dallas, when winter ........ you can do better than this, I'm sure
was melting, and she had my number
before (name of some dance was over)
I'd never met a rabbi's daughter,
nor ever danced a polka,
so maybe that was why.
She called me out
in a voice like (you fill in the blank)
into the early spring night.
and her laughter felt like fireflies (or something seasonally appropriate)
against my belly.
I let her lead for weeks
until the weight of all that wildness
wore me down, and left me
growing into solitude
even as those moments
that I spent with her
never leave me alone
She told me that she wanted to
live in a house in Oregon, on a beach
with a man who didn’t care
who else held her.
Forty years a wallflower
waiting on this empty floor
for the band to play
and the impossible to begin.
Thanks Mark and Knot. I think I need to step away from this one before I do any more revising. I'm pretty affixed to my crooning about marooning. But I'll come back to these suggestions in a few days.
I liked the first version. The second one was weak, and the third an improvement but still too much telling, not showing.
What I liked about the first version:
'hot rod angel'
the ending - somewhat enigmatic
the specific detail of Rainy Night in Georgia
compactness
my observations on V3:
I found you in a folk-dance class
confessed my instant attraction....I don't feel you need to tell everything (telling / showing etc comes back to this point). This line conveys no new information,
and you took my phone number...same as above. don't need each specific detail
You called me out .....ditto. can be combined with the next line
into the early spring night.
I remember your laughter
echoing inside our embrace.
You told me you wanted to live .....this and the next 2 lines tell the reader what he needs to know, and are colourful to boot
on a beach in Oregon with a man
who didn’t care who else held you.
You were a rabbi’s daughter become
a dark Romani princess ....not sure this piece of exoticisation works. Not that the Roma people are necessarily exotic. The contrast between a possibly dark haired rabbi's daughter and a dark haired Romani princess isn't that striking either.
hungry for men. ...racial stereotyping of a kind that works only if we were to suspend our disbelief
I followed you for weeks
until the weight of your wildness
wore me down to a bent loneliness,
but those hours
I spent in sexless surveillance
never left me alone again. ...haven't learned anything from 'weeks' till here. Too much telling
Forty years later
marooned with only
those moments for shelter ... a weak metaphor
you’re the fire of my wan signal
to the passing of time.
Love’s reckoning
still waits on this empty shore
for an impossible beginning. ...nice ending, but the rest of the poem doesn't lead up to it the way it should
)
but I think I just found a way out of it. And brilliant suggestion on the ending. I was trancing when I wrote the ending.