09-26-2021, 10:10 AM
Hey Tim-
Some thoughts on V3, which I think is a more coherent whole. That said, I thinlk that the "marooned" idea needs to die, as you seem to be overly focused on it, and it is not helping this piece. So, a new title would be in order. I get the marooned feeling, BUT...
Below I made cuts and additions, which are presented as suggestions:
Attracted at a folk-dance class
you instantly got my number.
A rabbi’s daughter became
a dark Romani princess-
you called me out
into the early spring night.
I remember your laughter
vibrating within our embrace.
You told me you wanted to live
in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
I held out for weeks
until the weight of your wildness
wore me down to prefer
loneliness-
yet forty years later those moments
still won't leave me alone
Some thoughts on V3, which I think is a more coherent whole. That said, I thinlk that the "marooned" idea needs to die, as you seem to be overly focused on it, and it is not helping this piece. So, a new title would be in order. I get the marooned feeling, BUT...
Below I made cuts and additions, which are presented as suggestions:
Attracted at a folk-dance class
you instantly got my number.
A rabbi’s daughter became
a dark Romani princess-
you called me out
into the early spring night.
I remember your laughter
vibrating within our embrace.
You told me you wanted to live
in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
I held out for weeks
until the weight of your wildness
wore me down to prefer
loneliness-
yet forty years later those moments
still won't leave me alone