09-25-2021, 10:40 PM
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Hi TqB.
when she looks at another. ......................... don't think any of this matters. It's about you and her, no-one else. I'm simply confounded by this idea, that it doesn't matter to anyone else, it was an integral part of the reason I still remember this.
Perhaps the problem is the language you're using borders on cliché, come hither and sashay? And what does 'you were not done with me yet' mean in the context of the two verses that precede the line. What was she doing to you there?
Alternatively, maybe it's a structural issue. We (the reader) already know by the end of the last verse that 'fidelity' (for want of a term) is not something that matters to her (and why it matters to you is never explained) so when she leaves N for someone else it isn't a surprise. You may not have seen it coming, we did.
When you come to remember these events, where do you start?
I wonder if, in trying to be linear you create difficulties for yourself. Is there any way to begin with the 'betrayal' and go backwards and/or forwards from there?
in Queens, ..................................................(be nice to have a bit more detail here, is she married? What effect has being a 'rabbi's daughter' had?). married, with a kid and that's as far as my internet stalking went. I could talk about her father, but it would have to come earlier I think.
Right, so is N wondering if she's faithful to the husband, or thinking that she married someone who doesn't care 'who else holds her'? She was 'dark' at the beginning, is she grey now? Otherwise why mention these details? Is N still seeing her as he wants her to be or as she is, then and now?
Carry on.
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB.
when she looks at another. ......................... don't think any of this matters. It's about you and her, no-one else. I'm simply confounded by this idea, that it doesn't matter to anyone else, it was an integral part of the reason I still remember this.
Perhaps the problem is the language you're using borders on cliché, come hither and sashay? And what does 'you were not done with me yet' mean in the context of the two verses that precede the line. What was she doing to you there?
Alternatively, maybe it's a structural issue. We (the reader) already know by the end of the last verse that 'fidelity' (for want of a term) is not something that matters to her (and why it matters to you is never explained) so when she leaves N for someone else it isn't a surprise. You may not have seen it coming, we did.
When you come to remember these events, where do you start?
I wonder if, in trying to be linear you create difficulties for yourself. Is there any way to begin with the 'betrayal' and go backwards and/or forwards from there?
in Queens, ..................................................(be nice to have a bit more detail here, is she married? What effect has being a 'rabbi's daughter' had?). married, with a kid and that's as far as my internet stalking went. I could talk about her father, but it would have to come earlier I think.
Right, so is N wondering if she's faithful to the husband, or thinking that she married someone who doesn't care 'who else holds her'? She was 'dark' at the beginning, is she grey now? Otherwise why mention these details? Is N still seeing her as he wants her to be or as she is, then and now?
Carry on.
Best, Knot
.