Marooned ver. 3

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks Knot,

I will try to step back and work with the idea of that cut, the other man bit, but it's a hard pill to swallow 

And Alex,

Thanks for the edit suggestions.  Romani is actually a very cool word, although if I read it, I'd think the author was specifying a race....but anyway, I like it
And all the others, I'll be using them one way or the other.  I seem to be damned whatever I do about the "laughter/hips" part   but I think I just found a way out of it.  And brilliant suggestion on the ending.  I was trancing when I wrote the ending.

TqB

---

And also

.
Hi TqB,
yes, I think your going in the right direction, elements of the new ending certainly add to the piece. Where I still think you're going astray is in 'the other man' section/s. I just don't think they're necessary to the reader.

Forty years ago                yikes, thanks for this save
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.

A rabbi’s daughter, dark gypsy princess.
your laughter echoing ............................... anything more sensual than 'echoing'?  i've come up with a new line, but alas, it's using echo 
against my hips as we embraced.

And you told me you wanted to live
in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care who else held you.

You were not done with me yet,
you tracked me to the restaurant kitchen
and my fellow fry-cook, fresh from Viet Nam,
homed on to your come-hither
you sashayed into his arms
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she looks at another. ......................... don't think any of this matters. It's about you and her, no-one else.  I'm simply confounded by this idea, that it doens't matter to anyone else, it was an integral part of the reason I still remember this. 

Today you’re a schoolteacher
in Queens, ..................................................(be nice to have a bit more detail here, is she married? What effect has being a 'rabbi's daughter' had?). married, with a kid and that's as far as my internet stalking went.  I could talk about her father, but it would have to come earlier I think.


And I can't seem to stop
waiting, on this empty beach
for another beginning.

that last memory keeps me company
the shock of seeing love
looking at another                          I miss my "reckoning"