Marooned ver. 3

[alonso ramoran]

Hi TqB

Really enjoyed the metaphor of this memory of a loved one being like an island. More thoughts below

I massaged your back 
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter, dark gypsy princess. The word "gypsy" is considered by some Romani people to be a slur, so is the use of gypsy supposed to infer anything valuable to the reader about the N? Could "dark Romani princess" work in its place just as well?
Next time, you called me out into midnight, I actually liked the feel of "early spring night"
I remember your laughter 
echoing from your diaphragm
against my hips as we embraced. I love this sequence, but the height difference in the imagery makes me think that we are instead dealing with a daughter or mentee of some sort rather than a lover imo. I do think "hips" works better than "loins"

And you told me
you wanted to live in a house 
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care 
who else held you.

You were not done with me yet,
you tracked me to the restaurant kitchen
and my fellow fry-cook, fresh from Viet Nam,
homed on to your come-hither
you sashayed into his arms nitpick but maybe you could add an "and" at the beginning? Also like the use of sashay
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she looks at another. usually i try to discourage fellow poets from using abstractions like love and heart, but the way the terms are used here works well, fits well with the rest of the poem, and seems grounded by not trying to say something profound about the concept of love or whatever. Overall I really liked this stanza and found it improved on the one in the previous draft.

Forty years later
I revisit these adventures in heartbreak I think "in heartbreak" could be cut here. the feeling was done justice in the past stanza i think
marooned here with only
this last memory for company.
Today you’re a schoolteacher in Queens,
but on my desert island
you’re the fire of my wan signal "fire of my wan signal" produces a strong image and strong feelings
to the passing ships of time love this line and its implications
that love’s reckoning Not sure how this connects. Is the N hoping that if he won't be rescued that this desert island will start growing with life again? I think there has to be a better way to connect these ideas if so, rather than just using "that" at the start of this line. Maybe you could simply switch "that" out with "if"?
still waits on this empty beach 
for another beginning. Nicely done, the addition of this stanza really sharpens the poem in a way that is still subtle imo

I massaged your back 
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess, 
you called me out 
into the early spring night,
I remember only your laughter 
against my loins,

you told me of your lovers,
you wanted to live in a house 
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care 
who else held you.

The next night you appeared
and a hot rod angel
homed on to your come hither
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she is not looking.

Thank you for the read,

Alex