09-25-2021, 01:11 AM
.
Hi TqB,
yes, I think your going in the right direction, elements of the new ending certainly add to the piece. Where I still think you're going astray is in 'the other man' section/s. I just don't think they're necessary to the reader.
Forty years ago
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter, dark gypsy princess.
your laughter echoing ............................... anything more sensual than 'echoing'?
against my hips as we embraced.
And you told me you wanted to live
in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care who else held you.
You were not done with me yet,
you tracked me to the restaurant kitchen
and my fellow fry-cook, fresh from Viet Nam,
homed on to your come-hither
you sashayed into his arms
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she looks at another. ......................... don't think any of this matters. It's about you and her, no-one else.
Today you’re a schoolteacher
in Queens, ..................................................(be nice to have a bit more detail here, is she married? What effect has being a 'rabbi's daughter' had?)
-
And I can't seem to stop
waiting, on this empty beach
for another beginning.
that last memory keeps me company
the shock of seeing love
looking at another
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
yes, I think your going in the right direction, elements of the new ending certainly add to the piece. Where I still think you're going astray is in 'the other man' section/s. I just don't think they're necessary to the reader.
Forty years ago
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter, dark gypsy princess.
your laughter echoing ............................... anything more sensual than 'echoing'?
against my hips as we embraced.
And you told me you wanted to live
in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care who else held you.
You were not done with me yet,
you tracked me to the restaurant kitchen
and my fellow fry-cook, fresh from Viet Nam,
homed on to your come-hither
you sashayed into his arms
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she looks at another. ......................... don't think any of this matters. It's about you and her, no-one else.
Today you’re a schoolteacher
in Queens, ..................................................(be nice to have a bit more detail here, is she married? What effect has being a 'rabbi's daughter' had?)
-
And I can't seem to stop
waiting, on this empty beach
for another beginning.
that last memory keeps me company
the shock of seeing love
looking at another
Best, Knot
.