09-23-2021, 02:08 AM
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Hi TqB.
Loins: it was an embrace combined with laughter, she was about a foot shorter, so, body mechanics. Not many pleasant word choices unless I go anatomical.
Like I said, I was struggling to relate this to 'massage', the 'embrace' is new. So yeah, collapse fail.
As to 'body mechanics' - could you not find a way to paint the picture and let the reader supply their own word.
he was literally that, a blonde hunk who was building a hot rod in a storage shed,
But so what? None of that matters to N, what matters is she left, or, as you might put it, that he was marooned. What conclusions is the reader meant to draw from 'blonde hunk, etc'? And how might they be relevant?
That (at me) makes a big difference, still struggling with how 'when She is not looking' relates to shock though. Maybe it's a punctuation problem? Or just me.
(Alternatively, ... the shock of seeing love / as she was leaving me ? so you were left "marooned"
)
maroon - it implies a place, doesn't it (or even a state of being)? Either way, not something you've explored in the piece.
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB.
Loins: it was an embrace combined with laughter, she was about a foot shorter, so, body mechanics. Not many pleasant word choices unless I go anatomical.
Like I said, I was struggling to relate this to 'massage', the 'embrace' is new. So yeah, collapse fail.
As to 'body mechanics' - could you not find a way to paint the picture and let the reader supply their own word.
he was literally that, a blonde hunk who was building a hot rod in a storage shed,
But so what? None of that matters to N, what matters is she left, or, as you might put it, that he was marooned. What conclusions is the reader meant to draw from 'blonde hunk, etc'? And how might they be relevant?
That (at me) makes a big difference, still struggling with how 'when She is not looking' relates to shock though. Maybe it's a punctuation problem? Or just me.
(Alternatively, ... the shock of seeing love / as she was leaving me ? so you were left "marooned"
)maroon - it implies a place, doesn't it (or even a state of being)? Either way, not something you've explored in the piece.
Best, Knot
.