09-23-2021, 01:48 AM
Hey Tim,
My comments to yer comments:
I've collapsed events together here and was hoping I could get away with it. I think you did a very good job of that, actually.
Loins: it was an embrace combined with laughter, she was about a foot shorter, so, body mechanics. Not many pleasant word choices unless I go anatomical.Ah, ah- no explaining, please, unless this is conveyed in the poem. "Not pleasant" word choices are perfectly fine in my eyes. I, too, would find something other than "loins". Was her head on yer balls? yer thighs? yer ass? Something a bit juicier than "loins".
he was literally that, a blonde hunk who was building a hot rod in a storage shed,
I might go with "RED HOT ROD" and leave out "angel". So what if he was blonde, as it seems that he was red hot to her. We don't know anything about him unless you tell us, and it's AOK in this poem to alter the facts to strengthen the image.
perhaps I should capitalize, it's love who is no longer looking (at me): Don't over think it, man. The capital "L" and "S" ain't working for me.
"for the shock of seeing Love
when She is not looking."
so I was left "marooned". I wasn't bothered by "marooned", and I got it. That said, the last 2 lines need an overhaul, to convey that deflated feeling of seeing that look in her eye directed at him, and not you.
Go with yer gut, man, go with yer gut...
Mark
My comments to yer comments:
I've collapsed events together here and was hoping I could get away with it. I think you did a very good job of that, actually.
Loins: it was an embrace combined with laughter, she was about a foot shorter, so, body mechanics. Not many pleasant word choices unless I go anatomical.Ah, ah- no explaining, please, unless this is conveyed in the poem. "Not pleasant" word choices are perfectly fine in my eyes. I, too, would find something other than "loins". Was her head on yer balls? yer thighs? yer ass? Something a bit juicier than "loins".
he was literally that, a blonde hunk who was building a hot rod in a storage shed,
I might go with "RED HOT ROD" and leave out "angel". So what if he was blonde, as it seems that he was red hot to her. We don't know anything about him unless you tell us, and it's AOK in this poem to alter the facts to strengthen the image.
perhaps I should capitalize, it's love who is no longer looking (at me): Don't over think it, man. The capital "L" and "S" ain't working for me.
"for the shock of seeing Love
when She is not looking."
so I was left "marooned". I wasn't bothered by "marooned", and I got it. That said, the last 2 lines need an overhaul, to convey that deflated feeling of seeing that look in her eye directed at him, and not you.
Go with yer gut, man, go with yer gut...
Mark