09-22-2021, 11:13 PM
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Hi TqB,
need we mention the title?
Just following Mark on this one, really. So
(actually, even Dark Princess might make a better title than what you've currently got. Can't tell who or what was marooned, or where).
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter. Dark princess,
you called me out ......................................is this a separate event from the first three lines? I'm confused by the timing.
into the early spring night,
I remember only your laughter
against my loins, ...................................... 'loins' seems from a different lexicon. The line (which you could probably cut) suggests the massage is still going on, but then, back to L4.
you told me of your lovers, ..................... I agree with Mark about cutting 'lovers', it/they are implied by the last line of the verse. (Don't think you need to change that, as it is it implies 'you' will never be faithful to anyone but herself.)
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
The next night you appeared
and a hot rod angel
homed on to your come hither ............. this just doesn't seem that relevant, does it matter who it was (and 'hot rod angel' well, not good)? Seems like an unnecessary detail, perhaps start at L4 and see if it leads to a better ending?
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she is not looking. ..................... how does this contribute to 'the shock'?
A promising start, now keep that promise.
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
need we mention the title?
Just following Mark on this one, really. So
(actually, even Dark Princess might make a better title than what you've currently got. Can't tell who or what was marooned, or where).
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter. Dark princess,
you called me out ......................................is this a separate event from the first three lines? I'm confused by the timing.
into the early spring night,
I remember only your laughter
against my loins, ...................................... 'loins' seems from a different lexicon. The line (which you could probably cut) suggests the massage is still going on, but then, back to L4.
you told me of your lovers, ..................... I agree with Mark about cutting 'lovers', it/they are implied by the last line of the verse. (Don't think you need to change that, as it is it implies 'you' will never be faithful to anyone but herself.)
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you.
The next night you appeared
and a hot rod angel
homed on to your come hither ............. this just doesn't seem that relevant, does it matter who it was (and 'hot rod angel' well, not good)? Seems like an unnecessary detail, perhaps start at L4 and see if it leads to a better ending?
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she is not looking. ..................... how does this contribute to 'the shock'?
A promising start, now keep that promise.
Best, Knot
.