Marooned ver. 3
#3
(09-21-2021, 09:37 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  I massaged your back 
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess, 
you called me out 
into the early spring night,  perhaps "that" rather than "the"
I remember only your laughter 
against my loins, nice white space here in lieu of ellipsis (g)

you told me of your lovers,  perhaps colon rather than comma... or not, in case the next line is independent, but it's not, is it?
you wanted to live in a house 
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care 
who else held you.  deadly.

The next night you appeared do you need "[T]he" here? "Next night you reappeared," perhaps?
and a hot rod angel
homed on to your come hither hyphen, "come-hither"
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she is not looking.  perhaps "isn't" here for the rhythm, though it breaks formality?
It's raining here today, but neither succubi nor angels are making an appearance.  Ah, well, to work (moderately).

The descent from personal (with details) to impersonal (any scratching post will do) is nicely rendered here.  Perhaps disappointment could also be implied or stated at the end... or, if not intended, its absence indicated or celebrated.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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Messages In This Thread
Marooned ver. 3 - by TranquillityBase - 09-21-2021, 09:37 PM
RE: Marooned - by Mark A Becker - 09-21-2021, 10:01 PM
RE: Marooned - by Mark A Becker - 09-21-2021, 10:03 PM
RE: Marooned - by dukealien - 09-21-2021, 10:02 PM
RE: Marooned - by TranquillityBase - 09-21-2021, 10:17 PM
RE: Marooned - by ISawASpaceship - 09-22-2021, 09:52 PM
RE: Marooned - by Knot - 09-22-2021, 11:13 PM
RE: Marooned - by TranquillityBase - 09-23-2021, 01:14 AM
RE: Marooned - by Mark A Becker - 09-23-2021, 01:48 AM
RE: Marooned - by Knot - 09-23-2021, 02:08 AM
RE: Marooned - by TranquillityBase - 09-24-2021, 11:29 PM
RE: Marooned - by Knot - 09-25-2021, 01:11 AM
RE: Marooned ver. 2 - by alonso ramoran - 09-25-2021, 02:06 AM
RE: Marooned ver. 2 - by TranquillityBase - 09-25-2021, 09:57 AM
RE: Marooned ver. 2 - by Knot - 09-25-2021, 10:40 PM
RE: Marooned ver. 2 - by TranquillityBase - 09-26-2021, 04:18 AM
RE: Marooned ver. 3 - by Mark A Becker - 09-26-2021, 10:10 AM
RE: Marooned ver. 3 - by Knot - 09-26-2021, 07:56 PM
RE: Marooned ver. 3 - by TranquillityBase - 09-26-2021, 10:33 PM
RE: Marooned ver. 3 - by busker - 09-28-2021, 05:06 PM
RE: Marooned ver. 3 - by TranquillityBase - 09-28-2021, 10:39 PM
RE: Marooned ver. 3 - by Mark A Becker - 09-29-2021, 07:17 AM



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