09-21-2021, 10:02 PM
(09-21-2021, 09:37 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: I massaged your backIt's raining here today, but neither succubi nor angels are making an appearance. Ah, well, to work (moderately).
while Rainy Night in Georgia played.
A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess,
you called me out
into the early spring night, perhaps "that" rather than "the"
I remember only your laughter
against my loins, nice white space here in lieu of ellipsis (g)
you told me of your lovers, perhaps colon rather than comma... or not, in case the next line is independent, but it's not, is it?
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care
who else held you. deadly.
The next night you appeared do you need "[T]he" here? "Next night you reappeared," perhaps?
and a hot rod angel
homed on to your come hither hyphen, "come-hither"
before I could ready my heart
for the shock of seeing love
when she is not looking. perhaps "isn't" here for the rhythm, though it breaks formality?
The descent from personal (with details) to impersonal (any scratching post will do) is nicely rendered here. Perhaps disappointment could also be implied or stated at the end... or, if not intended, its absence indicated or celebrated.
Non-practicing atheist

