09-21-2021, 10:01 PM
Hello Tim-
Nice, dusky piece:
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played. evocative opening
A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess,
you called me out good line break here
into the early spring night,
I remember only your laughter
against my loins,
you told me of your lovers, this detail seems disconnected from what follows
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care another good line break!
who else held you.
The next night you appeared maybe, "The next night when you appeared..."
and a hot rod angel homed in
homed on to on your come hither
before I could ready my heart. maybe a period after "heart" so it adds power to the last lines?
for the The shock of seeing love
when she's not looking. Contracting to "she's" seems to fit the meter better?
I get the last 2 lines, yet they seem to need a bit more work, but I don't have a suggestion.
You've been posting some good work, Tim; you seem to have found your voice.
Cool beans,
Mark
Nice, dusky piece:
I massaged your back
while Rainy Night in Georgia played. evocative opening
A rabbi’s daughter, dark princess,
you called me out good line break here
into the early spring night,
I remember only your laughter
against my loins,
you told me of your lovers, this detail seems disconnected from what follows
you wanted to live in a house
on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care another good line break!
who else held you.
The next night you appeared maybe, "The next night when you appeared..."
and a hot rod angel homed in
homed on to on your come hither
before I could ready my heart. maybe a period after "heart" so it adds power to the last lines?
for the The shock of seeing love
when she's not looking. Contracting to "she's" seems to fit the meter better?
I get the last 2 lines, yet they seem to need a bit more work, but I don't have a suggestion.
You've been posting some good work, Tim; you seem to have found your voice.
Cool beans,
Mark