08-17-2021, 07:23 PM
.
Very nice, Wj.
two very minor nits, 'dew' (not something one would associate with 'punished', itself a surprisingly strong word, too strong perhaps?) and 'wearing' (seems unnecessary). Do you need 'swaying gently'?
The ravens image is terrific.
One less minor nit, you slept from the children 'running late' til 'dusk' - seems rather long for a 'nap'.
(Could you add 'at dusk' to the title?)
Before autumn punished the woods
with ___ and leaves and coughing
children running late to school
-- backpacks black as ravens, cawing
tantrums in the wind -- I napped
below a robin singing August, golden
in the luster of trees swaying gently
full of apples, waking with fresh clouds
to watch the sun and moon share the sky
at dusk.
Best, Knot
.
Very nice, Wj.
two very minor nits, 'dew' (not something one would associate with 'punished', itself a surprisingly strong word, too strong perhaps?) and 'wearing' (seems unnecessary). Do you need 'swaying gently'?
The ravens image is terrific.
One less minor nit, you slept from the children 'running late' til 'dusk' - seems rather long for a 'nap'.
(Could you add 'at dusk' to the title?)
Before autumn punished the woods
with ___ and leaves and coughing
children running late to school
-- backpacks black as ravens, cawing
tantrums in the wind -- I napped
below a robin singing August, golden
in the luster of trees swaying gently
full of apples, waking with fresh clouds
to watch the sun and moon share the sky
at dusk.
Best, Knot
.