07-09-2021, 10:26 PM
Hey Tim-
Interesting piece. I read this as a description of a sacrifice to the ancient Aztec god of rain, Tlaloc.
Night is a hunger
slit sideways; very cool opening, but I'm unsure what "hunger" is doing in this poem. Maybe " Night is laid open,..."
My ghost wanders in parallel
the rain-skinned streets
punctuated by the stone temples need another word for "punctuated"
of a kingdom come. line doesn't add and is not needed
After fire and glad slavery "glad slavery" sounds good, but it's a very peculiar phrase (oxymoron?)
ashes of muscle and blood Are you a burnt offering here? Unclear as to what or who is being sacrificed. If these are animals (and not you, that needs to be clear)
rise in sweetened smoke
to paralyze the gods: "paralyze" could be "appease"
their insect eyes
flicker at the edges can "lightning" work here? Tlaloc is about to be mentioned...
of my knifing veins. "knifing veins" ?? maybe "knifed veins" (which doesn't read as smoothly as "knifing"). Might be best to just cut this line
My tribal heart is legion maybe a word other than "heart", as "heart" is repeated later. Perhaps "A tribal beat measures out..."
Its beats measure out
a dance for the naked messengers,
feathered, bloodstained priests
who held high my stone-cut heart
for Tlaloc’s sky-borne satisfaction.
My tears are the rain to come,hmm ?? How can you have tears when you've already been sacrificed? Unless animals were the previous burnt offering. Not clear.
my face will be painted blue
my body buried beneath the seeds confused again... weren't you burnt? are you ashes or body?
that will bind me to the sky. cool line. I really do think your ghost should come after this this: "My ghost still wanders..."
The beginning-middle-end seem out of chronological order to me, as I would think the order would be: "tribal heart" - "after fire" - "ghost wanders" - "sky"
I haven't read the previous versions, or the other critiques, so I'm approaching this piece "brand new".
Thanks for the story,
Mark
Interesting piece. I read this as a description of a sacrifice to the ancient Aztec god of rain, Tlaloc.
Night is a hunger
slit sideways; very cool opening, but I'm unsure what "hunger" is doing in this poem. Maybe " Night is laid open,..."
My ghost wanders in parallel
the rain-skinned streets
punctuated by the stone temples need another word for "punctuated"
of a kingdom come. line doesn't add and is not needed
After fire and glad slavery "glad slavery" sounds good, but it's a very peculiar phrase (oxymoron?)
ashes of muscle and blood Are you a burnt offering here? Unclear as to what or who is being sacrificed. If these are animals (and not you, that needs to be clear)
rise in sweetened smoke
to paralyze the gods: "paralyze" could be "appease"
their insect eyes
flicker at the edges can "lightning" work here? Tlaloc is about to be mentioned...
of my knifing veins. "knifing veins" ?? maybe "knifed veins" (which doesn't read as smoothly as "knifing"). Might be best to just cut this line
My tribal heart is legion maybe a word other than "heart", as "heart" is repeated later. Perhaps "A tribal beat measures out..."
Its beats measure out
a dance for the naked messengers,
feathered, bloodstained priests
who held high my stone-cut heart
for Tlaloc’s sky-borne satisfaction.
My tears are the rain to come,hmm ?? How can you have tears when you've already been sacrificed? Unless animals were the previous burnt offering. Not clear.
my face will be painted blue
my body buried beneath the seeds confused again... weren't you burnt? are you ashes or body?
that will bind me to the sky. cool line. I really do think your ghost should come after this this: "My ghost still wanders..."
The beginning-middle-end seem out of chronological order to me, as I would think the order would be: "tribal heart" - "after fire" - "ghost wanders" - "sky"
I haven't read the previous versions, or the other critiques, so I'm approaching this piece "brand new".
Thanks for the story,
Mark