Spider Spirit- edit2

[Poetry In Motion]

Spider Spirit


tiny spider crossed
deeply-patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
without anticipating
its next obstacle–

had it learned that system when
insect-striving gained rug’s end
flat tiles extending
out of touch unending
freedom like an angel’s way?

original version;

Watched a tiny spider cross
a deeply-sculpted patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
and ridge without anticipation
of its next upcoming valley

though it may have learned that system
by the time its striving brought it
to rug’s end, flat tile extending
out of touch and sight unending
freedom like an angel’s way.

Wow, the latest revision reads much better than the latter, I think the original had a lack of economical words. Nice one! Let me give you a critique on what I thought about the revision.

Well one little nit actually: why is there an em dash?