dis/associate

[alonso ramoran]

noraaajane,

I think this is a pretty strong first draft and the title is appropriate imo, but I do have some comments/suggestions below

the mists have come,

cattle-minded and dull. I like "cattle-minded". The use of "dull" doesn't seem to add anything though

the fog obscures street signs. i,

day drunk without my drink, 

struggle to make my eyes focus, I like "struggle to make..." instead of the more immediate "struggle to focus my eyes" because it hints at the N simply inhabiting a husk of a body instead of being in control which I think relates nicely to the title... then again my understanding of how disassociation affects a person may be problematic

forget where i am,

stumble and pull myself

along the rock walls.

i slip off my shoes, press my soles i think the use of "press" remains consistent with the feel of this poem, because we don't really press ourselves on something that we're already pulled towards. so the use of press in this case suggests that the n is not only emotionally/psychologically detached from their environment, but also physically.
to the chilling pavement "chilling" seems kind of dry


a girl, in the silence

of four thirty in the afternoon.

a lady in waiting - i think you can omit this sentence from the stanza and not lose anything

i am not. a lady in dread.

here, there. neither here

nor there. a bird sings.

it could be anywhere.

the bird was blue,

or maybe red,

or maybe there was no bird. enjoyed this stanza, especially this last line. really gives that feeling of being disconnected from the world i think, and the short sentence structures so far seem to aid that feeling.



i do not enjoy this

half-boiled beggars call,

cup shaking between my hands.

a penny, an alm, a blessing. alms

my cotton-lined eyelids 

turn to wool.

each night, this

incessant itch and i push 

my palms against the walls

but they never tremble

at my touch. this line can be omitted imo



i am clenched-jaw, lovesick girl, may i suggest "jaws clenched, i am..."

sleep-sick woman i am — "lovesick/sleep-sick" seem too vague. i'd go more in detail

i would love to help you with that. 

i am trained to say it, 

deep in my bones.

no worries, no worries,

your face will tell me what 

to do next.

silent-raging woman, downtrodden girl,

neither here

nor there, but tying myself

with ribbon, with bows, like

a balloon or a gift,

an anchor to here

and not there. enjoyed this and the above 4 lines. also enjoying the repetition of "here/there" since it seems to repeat with purpose

clever girl,

cattle-minded, dreadful woman, on the other hand, i find that the repetition of these similar phrases become uninspiring around this point in the poem, because you could instead be going into depth using detail that makes the reader feel these things about the woman.

sleep-heart-home sick — 



my soles against the pavement.

my palms against the walls. 

why do these mists not relent?

uncover and unclear path

to a distant place and i,

face to the sun, taste 

of honeysuckle, smell

of thyme, feet planted in the earth,

watch the bird who sings

its forever twinkling songs. this may be my ignorance towards how dissociation happens and how it is experienced, but how does the N now appear to be in touch with their environment? honestly i'll have to do some research



i am steady in the dirt. 

my lungs are full of air.

associating.

i am ready to see. 

Thank you for sharing!

Kindly,
Alex