07-02-2021, 09:31 PM
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Hi noraaajane,
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Hi noraaajane,
enjoyed the read, a strong, consistent voice.
(Though less enamoured by the lack of capitals.)
I though the only major weakness was verse five. As TqB mentioned 'twinkling' seems ill-chosen (might you cut the verse entirely?) - in contrast though, I do like 'cattle-minded' and would not wish to see that changed.
A few cut and paste thoughts
the mists have come,
cattle-minded and dull.
i struggle to make my eyes focus,
day drunk without my drink,
i forget where i am,
stumble and pull myself
along the rock walls. ................. does it matter what the walls are made of?
slip off my shoes, press my soles
to the chilling pavement.
the fog obscures street signs
a lady in waiting - i am not.
a lady in dread. here,
there. neither here
nor there. a bird sings.
it could be anywhere.
the bird was blue,
or maybe red,
i do not enjoy this
a girl in the silence
of four thirty in the afternoon.
half-boiled beggars call,
cup shaking between my hands. ......... bit uncertain who the beggar is, would shake their cups between my hands work?
alms, a blessing, a penny
my cotton-lined eyelids
turn to wool.
each night, this itch
incessant and i push
my palms against the walls
but they never tremble
at my touch. .................................. same issue with TqB about ambiguity, but not keen on these lines.
i am clenched-jaw, sleep-sick
woman, i am lovesick girl —
i would love to help you with that.
i am trained to say,
deep in my bones.
no worries, no worries,
your face will tell me what
to do next. silent-
raging woman, downtrodden
girl, neither here
nor there, but tying myself
with ribbon, with bows, like
a balloon or a gift, ......................................... 'gift' seems a trifle obvious, any alternatives?
an anchor to here
and not there.
clever girl,
cattle-minded, sleep-heart-
home-sick dreadful — woman
i am steady in the dirt.
my lungs are full of air.
associating.
i am ready to see.
maybe there was no bird.
Best, Knot
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