dis/associate

[noraaajane]

the mists have come,
cattle-minded and dull.
the fog obscures street signs. i,
day drunk without my drink, 
struggle to make my eyes focus,
forget where i am,
stumble and pull myself
along the rock walls.
i slip off my shoes, press my soles
to the chilling pavement. 

a girl, in the silence
of four thirty in the afternoon.
a lady in waiting - 
i am not. a lady in dread.
here, there. neither here
nor there. a bird sings.
it could be anywhere.
the bird was blue,
or maybe red,
or maybe there was no bird.

i do not enjoy this
half-boiled beggars call,
cup shaking between my hands.
a penny, an alm, a blessing.
my cotton-lined eyelids 
turn to wool.
each night, this
incessant itch and i push 
my palms against the walls
but they never tremble
at my touch.

i am clenched-jaw, lovesick girl,
sleep-sick woman i am — 
i would love to help you with that. 
i am trained to say it, 
deep in my bones.
no worries, no worries,
your face will tell me what 
to do next.
silent-raging woman, downtrodden girl,
neither here
nor there, but tying myself
with ribbon, with bows, like
a balloon or a gift,
an anchor to here
and not there. 
clever girl,
cattle-minded, dreadful woman,
sleep-heart-home sick — 

my soles against the pavement.
my palms against the walls. 
why do these mists not relent?
uncover and unclear path
to a distant place and i,
face to the sun, taste 
of honeysuckle, smell
of thyme, feet planted in the earth,
watch the bird who sings
its forever twinkling songs.

i am steady in the dirt. 
my lungs are full of air.
associating.
i am ready to see.