Songs of Sacrifice

[TranquillityBase]

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Hi TqB.
On the understanding that I'm not understanding this ...    I like to read what I don't understand, so I guess it carries over to what I write.

(Terrible title, natch ) .   I think I'll just give up on titles 


after fire and glad slavery .......... echoes of Exodus? Should it be 'bondage' for 'slavery'?  I like the sound of "glad slavery"
ashes of muscle and blood
rise in the smoke of sacrifice ........ I wonder if you can get away with cutting 'of sacrifice'?  yes I think so
to paralyze the gods: ..................... paralyse in the sense of placate?  more like reducing their power

their insect eyes
flicker about the edges .................. 'about'? "at" would be simpler
of my knifing veins. ..................... now it's a bit more meso-American than middle Eastern.
(and?)

Night is a hunger
slit sideways; .............................. very nice (shame more of the focus isn't on this).  thinking about making this the first line

Emptied by sleep
I wander in parallel ..................... 'parallel' seems from a different poem.
the rain-skinned streets
the [modifier] tenement
of their kingdom come.

Within these walls
that collapse in every dream
and crush the breath
from their naked messengers
the gods must sometimes sleep. ....... this is the weakest section, to me. Do you need to repeat 'sleep'?  You are so right, but I needed confirmation

My egypt heart is legion .................. 'Egypt'.
to the lamb kill that dark is. ........... I think this line undercuts the strong start (should it be Lamb-kill?)  Not sure what to do with these lines.  They initated the poem, but maybe they've done its job and need to go away.

Best, Knot

Revision will probably not be any more clear since I am fond of obscurity, but as always, thank you for reading and critiquing.  I know it's not your kind of poem and I appreciate that you would give it your time.  I'm going to take your "meso-American" and run with it.