06-20-2021, 10:43 PM
.
Hi Dale,
(because of the title) I tried to make this fit the rhythm of the original, but couldn't. That feels like a missed opportunity.
Regardless, it does need to be stronger/more consistent metrically, I think.
Couple of thoughts.
Repeat the first line at the end of each verse, and switch the order of verses 2 and 3.
'bum' seems .... odd (given the context. In this world wouldn't bum be a tramp or hobo?)
the catalog/analogue couplet is weak (relatively sepaking).
The two 'nows' (S3, L2 an L3) jar.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Dale,
(because of the title) I tried to make this fit the rhythm of the original, but couldn't. That feels like a missed opportunity.
Regardless, it does need to be stronger/more consistent metrically, I think.
Couple of thoughts.
Repeat the first line at the end of each verse, and switch the order of verses 2 and 3.
'bum' seems .... odd (given the context. In this world wouldn't bum be a tramp or hobo?)
the catalog/analogue couplet is weak (relatively sepaking).
The two 'nows' (S3, L2 an L3) jar.
Best, Knot
.