06-18-2021, 09:00 PM
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Hi TqB,
improved, but further to go, I think.
Some (somewhat) radical suggestions - because I think you've been playing it a little safe
Cut the first stanza entirely.
(I think your original piece is really three poems, the 'characters' (including the barista?), the elements I used in the 'slightly longer version', and this version 'Notes'. And not forgetting the 'outlaw' idea, so maybe 3½?)
S5. cut 'my last night' (like 'that first morning') it's from a different poem. Actually, cut the whole stanza. The black star bats offer a better ending, I think. (And both these changes contribute to If I could take myself out of it, all together, I would.)
Notes from a Cabin in Eagle Nest, NM
It's so still that you can hear
the wings of the nuthatch flutter ......... like how 'flutter' works with 'scattered' but does it fit with 'darting'?
as it darts down to the scattered seed......... maybe 'as it settles on the scattered seed'?
Birdsong of grosbeak, jay and finch
rises together as the sun
hits the distant peaks.
(some description) hummingbirds arrive early
thirsting for liquid ruby and begin ......... 'liquid ruby' is nice but doesn't connect to anything else.
their daylong wars.
Through mountain passes
the wind laments ... ....................... after 'loveless' 'melancholy' seems redundant.
Silence falls
like an axe on the neck of day, ........... it's a very strong image, but you don't do anything with it, also is this effect preceding cause?
across the panopticon of night. ......... is 'across' right (given panopticon)? And might 'asylum' work better than 'panopticon'?
Sun sets, a falling axe
and bats, like black stars, fly
through a bloodstained silence
out into the night's asylums / asylum of the night
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
improved, but further to go, I think.
Some (somewhat) radical suggestions - because I think you've been playing it a little safe
Cut the first stanza entirely.
(I think your original piece is really three poems, the 'characters' (including the barista?), the elements I used in the 'slightly longer version', and this version 'Notes'. And not forgetting the 'outlaw' idea, so maybe 3½?)
S5. cut 'my last night' (like 'that first morning') it's from a different poem. Actually, cut the whole stanza. The black star bats offer a better ending, I think. (And both these changes contribute to If I could take myself out of it, all together, I would.)
Notes from a Cabin in Eagle Nest, NM
It's so still that you can hear
the wings of the nuthatch flutter ......... like how 'flutter' works with 'scattered' but does it fit with 'darting'?
as it darts down to the scattered seed......... maybe 'as it settles on the scattered seed'?
Birdsong of grosbeak, jay and finch
rises together as the sun
hits the distant peaks.
(some description) hummingbirds arrive early
thirsting for liquid ruby and begin ......... 'liquid ruby' is nice but doesn't connect to anything else.
their daylong wars.
Through mountain passes
the wind laments ... ....................... after 'loveless' 'melancholy' seems redundant.
Silence falls
like an axe on the neck of day, ........... it's a very strong image, but you don't do anything with it, also is this effect preceding cause?
leaving behind a western glow.
Bats, like black stars, fly across the panopticon of night. ......... is 'across' right (given panopticon)? And might 'asylum' work better than 'panopticon'?
Sun sets, a falling axe
and bats, like black stars, fly
through a bloodstained silence
out into the night's asylums / asylum of the night
Best, Knot
.