Pick n Mix

[newbie]

back when growing up seemed plausible 
when we had dreams and plans and comics
the thought of death was a fleeting thing 
as lucid as a passing car radio 

it was always someone's granny or grandpa or dog
who died anyway 
nobody I really knew 

but a knotweed seed of doubt got sown 
with religious facts on death unknown
like where do pets go when they die?
they can't get to heaven apparently

but don't tell the younger kids that 

this simple truth keeps me awake
growing thoughts make pillars shake 
what if it's all bullshit and there's no superman 
no heaven or hell or anything 
just an endless soulless good night.

but don't tell the adult kids that

[Knot]

.
Hi newbie.
Enjoyed the read.

Back when growing up seemed plausible .......... great opening line (but why the capital letter? )
when kids had dreams and plans and comics .... perhaps 'we' for 'kids' (great sequence though)
the thought of death was a fleeting thing
as coherent as a passing car radio ...................... terrific image, but I'm not convinced by 'coherent', any alternatives?

it was always someone's granny
or dog who went anyway ................................. should 'went ' be ... 'went'? Maybe a few more examples before getting to the dog?
nobody I knew

but that seed did get sown over time ................ what 'seed'?
the facts of death did cross my mind ................ surely these are 'questions' not 'facts'?
like where do pets go when they die
if they can't join us in the sky?........................ could you cut this and just go straight to the next line?

they can't get to heaven apparently
but don't tell the younger kids that

and that's the tale that I can't shake ............. not clear which 'tale' you're referring to.
the growing thought while lying awake
what if it's all bullshit and there is no superman ...... contract 'there is'
no heaven or hell or anything
just an endless soulless goodnight.

but don't tell the adult kids that .................... I think it falls at the final hurdle. You've an 'if' but no 'then' Who wants to believe that?


Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

Newbie, I’m going to piggy back on Knot’s great critique a bit.

l. 3-4. as K says terrific image, what about “distant” instead of “coherent”

l. 7.  maybe “nobody I really knew”?

l. 8.  the seed I see as the seed of the “tale” you mention later, that there is no life after death.  Maybe you could work up a way to make that more apparent (if I’m reading it right)

l.16. capitalize Superman to echo mention of comics earlier

last line, don’t tell them the “tale” or that you are thinking it?

Thanks for the read, TrqB

[newbie]

Thank you Knot and TrqB for the input
I've updated and hopefully improved poem with your suggestions

[Knot]

.

Hi newbie

(it's custom to leave the original and add revisions above, gives people a chance to compare).

Not sure the additions have really ... added much. (Who or how is the knotweed sown, for instance?)

back when growing up seemed plausible

when we all had  dreams and plans

and comics, the thought of death

was a fleeting thing, a snatch of song

(a dozen notes) from a passing car's radio.

it was always someone's granny

a second cousin, twice removed,

or a classmate's sister's dog

who died anyway, nobody

I ever knew

and yet, I'd find these questions .............. admittedly the 'where I'd find' probably should be explained

like where do pets go when they die?

they can't get to heaven apparently

but don't tell the younger kids that ............ not sure who you're addressing here. I think you could cut this.

this simple truth keeps me awake ........... is it a 'truth'?

growing thoughts make pillars shake ..... I don't think you need this line, keep it simple (and avoid the rhyme )

what if it's all bullshit and there's no superman

no heaven, hell or anything

but an endless soulless good night.

but don't tell the adult kids that ........ same reservations as with 'younger kids', it doesn't strike me as a strong ending.

Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Newbie it is improved for me, though Knot has some good points.  I want compare his ideas with mine before writing more now but I’ll be back.  I like “knotweed seed of doubt”.  I agree with K. that you should cut the lines about “younger kids” and “adult kids”.

More later.

[Erthona]

Newbie,

The lack of rhythm in the absence of meter seems prosaic. The use of the outdated idea of leaving out punctuation not only makes the reading unnecessarily more difficult, but there is no rational for writing this way; simply because it is poetry is no excuse to not be grammatical.
The troupe is well worn, so as a philosophical idea it leaves something to be desired; overall a bit sophomoric.

I did like the lines:

"the thought of death was a fleeting thing
as lucid as a passing car radio "

This is a fresh and thought provoking simile. I also enjoyed the inclusion of "a knotweed seed of doubt", although knot-weed should be two words or else hyphenated. I like the image knot-weed conjures and the idea that it is difficult to get rid of, much as those ideas we are force-fed as young children without the ability to discern what we are being taught as fact is not fact.


best,

dale

[TranquillityBase]

OK, I'm back in civilization, god bless its evil little heart.

Newbie, I already mentioned where I agreed with Knot.  Here's my own comments.

back when growing up seemed plausible            
when we had dreams and plans and comics
the thought of death was a fleeting thing 
as lucid as a passing car radio                        I go back and forth over "lucid" used to describe an audio experience.  In a way it's cool, in a way, it's confusing.                        

it was always someone's granny or grandpa or dog
who died anyway 
nobody I really knew 

but a knotweed seed of doubt got sown     "was sown"     
with religious facts on death unknown       "religious facts" is like "lucid" above.  
like where do pets go when they die?
they can't get to heaven apparently           move "apparently" to be the first word in the line

but don't tell the younger kids that 

this simple truth keeps me awake
growing thoughts make pillars shake                I think this line could go.
what if it's all bullshit and there's no superman 
no heaven or hell or anything 
just an endless soulless good night.           ? left off on purpose?

but don't tell the adult kids that                   I suspect the kids lines may be dear to you, so if they are, just leave them in.  It's your poem.

And just to add, I do hear a poetic voice behind this poem.  I have little trouble understanding your lines, and that's the point, not whether it would get an A in grammar.  Hope you will keep working on it, in or out of sight.  And certainly, it's interesting that I (67 years old) am still asking myself the same question you do at the end.  It's a human universal and that ain't sophomoric.

[newbie]

Thank you knot, TqB and erthona for your thoughts and taking the time to read my words. Ive been unable to visit pigpen recently but I will take on board feedback and hopefully improve my poem when I get the time.
Newbie

[Pratikr]

Very nicely done

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[Brian Roberts]

back when growing up seemed plausible 
when we had dreams and plans and comics
the thought of death was a fleeting thing 
as lucid as a passing car radio 

it was always someone's granny or grandpa or dog
who died anyway 
nobody I really knew 

but a knotweed seed of doubt got sown 
with religious facts on death unknown
like where do pets go when they die?
they can't get to heaven apparently

but don't tell the younger kids that 

this simple truth keeps me awake
growing thoughts make pillars shake 
what if it's all bullshit and there's no superman 
no heaven or hell or anything 
just an endless soulless good night.

but don't tell the adult kids that

Newbie,

I enjoyed the ubiquitous theme and treatment of it, though the substance is a bit worn and banal. I do like the notion of death, in minds of children, as lucid as "a passing car radio." This imagery is apt for me and quite effective. I believe the final 7 lines need attention, as they do not inspire a stark image nor justify the first few lines.....as others, I like the term "knotweed" to portray doubt.