06-18-2021, 02:30 AM
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Hi TqB,
like the new title ... yes, really. And the edit is interesting, not the direction I was expecting, but it works ... almost
Would I be right in thinking that you 'seed' the deck rail in order to attract birds?
I think I. could be a bit more fluid, and I'm with Mark on wanting more about the Ravens (and poetic language).
I. The first morning
there were three Ravens
on the deck rail but I left them
for a barista in Angel Fire
who made me a chai tea latte
and complimented my hat.
......... feels like you could put in a bit about how the tea tasted here?
I felt like I’d been kissed:
an old man enthralled by the young.......... I like the honesty of this line.
II. Sunrise
on the mountain
hummingbirds arrive first ......... any way to avoid the repeat of 'first'? How do they 'arrive'?
to check their ruby colored stash ......... should this be 'stashes'?
and begin their daylong wars ......... 'wars' is probably the right term, but it reads poorly. How do they 'begin their wars' (I'd assume vocally, but you've birdsong in the next line)
then birdsong as the sun hits the first peaks.
Now a bluejay checks the spread
of seeds across deck railing but flies away........... Not keen on the bluejay lines at all, they're rather pale.
It’s so still you can hear
the flutter of the nuthatch wings,
first to dare the rail this morning .......... and what connects all of this to N? It's a bit, a then b then c ... but no conclusion. (Also, how many 'firsts' are you having in this piece?)
III. Evenings
I count the lonely sound ......... agree with Mark about 'counted' (and if it's evenings what's 'late afternoon wind' doing here?) Also, it might work better in the present tense.
of late afternoon wind
through the mountainside trees. ......... after the detail of II, 'trees' is ... uninformative.
Bats fly like black stars across
the face of the sky at sunset. ......... what Mark said (Was expecting some nod to the alpenglow in this section or the sunrise part).
IV. night,
a crescent moon above
the ridge in a blue sky
washed in darkness.
From the mountaintop,
the stars do seem the handiwork of gods. ......... ditto (also, not sure about 'washed in')
V The last day
...
I think II is the weakest part of this, too much listing and not enough substance, and also that the poem lacks an ending, something to match the 'felt like I'd been kissed' observation? Personally, I want N to return to the coffee shop and be ignored by the barista but even the last four lines of the original would be an improvement on the current ending.
Keep up the good work.
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
like the new title ... yes, really. And the edit is interesting, not the direction I was expecting, but it works ... almost
Would I be right in thinking that you 'seed' the deck rail in order to attract birds?
I think I. could be a bit more fluid, and I'm with Mark on wanting more about the Ravens (and poetic language).
I. The first morning
there were three Ravens
on the deck rail but I left them
for a barista in Angel Fire
who made me a chai tea latte
and complimented my hat.
......... feels like you could put in a bit about how the tea tasted here?
I felt like I’d been kissed:
an old man enthralled by the young.......... I like the honesty of this line.
II. Sunrise
on the mountain
hummingbirds arrive first ......... any way to avoid the repeat of 'first'? How do they 'arrive'?
to check their ruby colored stash ......... should this be 'stashes'?
and begin their daylong wars ......... 'wars' is probably the right term, but it reads poorly. How do they 'begin their wars' (I'd assume vocally, but you've birdsong in the next line)
then birdsong as the sun hits the first peaks.
Now a bluejay checks the spread
of seeds across deck railing but flies away........... Not keen on the bluejay lines at all, they're rather pale.
It’s so still you can hear
the flutter of the nuthatch wings,
first to dare the rail this morning .......... and what connects all of this to N? It's a bit, a then b then c ... but no conclusion. (Also, how many 'firsts' are you having in this piece?)
III. Evenings
I count the lonely sound ......... agree with Mark about 'counted' (and if it's evenings what's 'late afternoon wind' doing here?) Also, it might work better in the present tense.
of late afternoon wind
through the mountainside trees. ......... after the detail of II, 'trees' is ... uninformative.
Bats fly like black stars across
the face of the sky at sunset. ......... what Mark said
(Was expecting some nod to the alpenglow in this section or the sunrise part).IV. night,
a crescent moon above
the ridge in a blue sky
washed in darkness.
From the mountaintop,
the stars do seem the handiwork of gods. ......... ditto (also, not sure about 'washed in')
V The last day
...
I think II is the weakest part of this, too much listing and not enough substance, and also that the poem lacks an ending, something to match the 'felt like I'd been kissed' observation? Personally, I want N to return to the coffee shop and be ignored by the barista
but even the last four lines of the original would be an improvement on the current ending. Keep up the good work.
Best, Knot
.