06-18-2021, 01:10 AM
Hey Tim-
Very good edit. Some notes below:
Notes from a Cabin in Eagle Nest, NM
I.
The first morning, I had three ravens
on the deck rail. Then a barista in Angel Fire Hmm??? What about those ravens was interesting? Seems like you dropped 'em cold for the tea...
made me a chai tea latte, complimented
my hat and I felt like I’d been kissed:
an old man enthralled by the young. Don't know that you need this line. You could establish your age in many other ways in other parts of this piece.
II.
Sunrise on the mountain punctuation missing- maybe a dash
hummingbirds arrive first
to check their ruby colored stash
and begin their daylong wars Maybe a period here, or comma, as the sentence runs on a bit too long.
then birdsong as the sun hits the first peaks. Type of bird if ya know, something to describe the sound (you know me).
Now a bluejay checks the spread
of seeds across deck railing but flies away.
It’s so still you can hear
the flutter of the nuthatch wings,
first to dare the rail this morning.
Evenings I counted the lonely sound Counted seems odd, unless keeping count, as in keeping the beat in music; maybe "noticed the lonely sound" .
of late afternoon wind
through the mountainside trees.
Bats flew like black stars across Coolest line in the poem !
the face of the sky at sunset. Something other than "face of the sky". ?? The sky is way bigger than a mere face in NM.
III.
My last night, a crescent moon
above the ridge in a blue sky
washed in darkness. From the mountaintop,
the stars do seem the handiwork of gods. "handiwork of the gods" is too well worn to end on I'm afraid.
I do like the edit more than the original, yet I did like the outlaw theme very much. To me, it's A-OK to be in your poem, because you are in your life. That said, the trimmed version is better.
A few more creative, descriptive terms would really work to great benefit: break out that thesaurus: "Bats flew like black stars..." is what you need more of.
Since my grandparents lived in Roswell (way before the alien invasion), and my parents then moved there, I had a chance to visit. So, my memory allows me to see and hear things that others may need better descriptions for.
The time you took to edit shows that this one is important to you, and I can certainly appreciate that. You are getting much closer now, Tim.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful piece,
Mark
Very good edit. Some notes below:
Notes from a Cabin in Eagle Nest, NM
I.
The first morning, I had three ravens
on the deck rail. Then a barista in Angel Fire Hmm??? What about those ravens was interesting? Seems like you dropped 'em cold for the tea...
made me a chai tea latte, complimented
my hat and I felt like I’d been kissed:
an old man enthralled by the young. Don't know that you need this line. You could establish your age in many other ways in other parts of this piece.
II.
Sunrise on the mountain punctuation missing- maybe a dash
hummingbirds arrive first
to check their ruby colored stash
and begin their daylong wars Maybe a period here, or comma, as the sentence runs on a bit too long.
then birdsong as the sun hits the first peaks. Type of bird if ya know, something to describe the sound (you know me).
Now a bluejay checks the spread
of seeds across deck railing but flies away.
It’s so still you can hear
the flutter of the nuthatch wings,
first to dare the rail this morning.
Evenings I counted the lonely sound Counted seems odd, unless keeping count, as in keeping the beat in music; maybe "noticed the lonely sound" .
of late afternoon wind
through the mountainside trees.
Bats flew like black stars across Coolest line in the poem !
the face of the sky at sunset. Something other than "face of the sky". ?? The sky is way bigger than a mere face in NM.
III.
My last night, a crescent moon
above the ridge in a blue sky
washed in darkness. From the mountaintop,
the stars do seem the handiwork of gods. "handiwork of the gods" is too well worn to end on I'm afraid.
I do like the edit more than the original, yet I did like the outlaw theme very much. To me, it's A-OK to be in your poem, because you are in your life. That said, the trimmed version is better.
A few more creative, descriptive terms would really work to great benefit: break out that thesaurus: "Bats flew like black stars..." is what you need more of.
Since my grandparents lived in Roswell (way before the alien invasion), and my parents then moved there, I had a chance to visit. So, my memory allows me to see and hear things that others may need better descriptions for.
The time you took to edit shows that this one is important to you, and I can certainly appreciate that. You are getting much closer now, Tim.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful piece,
Mark