06-17-2021, 08:58 AM
Without first reading what @Knot had to say, this is quite worthy of Moderate.
And without going line by line, the only points that stuck out for me were minor technical points - uncapitalized sentence (fragment) at "so still you can hear the flutter" and "cherubim" used as singular. I believe that is the plural or collective, but singular "cherub" has the connotation of a Valentine's cutie rather than the awe-inspiring biblical creatures. Suggest you alter the line slightly to make plural grammatically proper - "one of the cherubim" but a better fit for the narrator's voice.
Nicely moody, shows not tells, good stuff. I think the length is suitable to the story, in fact a bit of weariness and wanting to get on with it aligns nicely with the theme.
And without going line by line, the only points that stuck out for me were minor technical points - uncapitalized sentence (fragment) at "so still you can hear the flutter" and "cherubim" used as singular. I believe that is the plural or collective, but singular "cherub" has the connotation of a Valentine's cutie rather than the awe-inspiring biblical creatures. Suggest you alter the line slightly to make plural grammatically proper - "one of the cherubim" but a better fit for the narrator's voice.
Nicely moody, shows not tells, good stuff. I think the length is suitable to the story, in fact a bit of weariness and wanting to get on with it aligns nicely with the theme.
Non-practicing atheist