Crazy hot

[tmanzano]

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Hi tmanzano,
the piece improves with each revision.
There are a few too many unnecessary pronouns, for me, and I think it might flow better without lines 14-15
(what's the difference between 'chit chat' and 'small talk'?) and lines 23-24. Also, I think line 27 offers a much
more satisfactory ending (it's a great line )



Some cut and paste suggestions.



The man down the hall
watches me leave
every morning. I catch him

staring. I smile and wave
he throws rocks
through his own windows

today I would like to avoid him.                (you've two 'likes' in close proximity)

Each winter we shovel salt.
He becomes(?) subdued
by the heavy air.                                        (feels like you could elaborate this, just a little)

His pill boxes overflow
in Zinnia, reminding me                            (curious about the 'in', wondered if it should be 'with'?)
of a wedding.

I like it when he grows
flowers in spring - then
he seems to smile more

Summer's crazy hot,
people scampering
like ants under glass - like                        (why the 'like' at the end of the line?
                                                                   I think 'ants' implies a large number so you don't need 'filled with')
like Cicada-hum
in the trees, like voices
in manic phase.

Those evenings he paces
screaming, in circles
with ice black eyes

I don't think I can take the medication tonight

I slap my face with water,
bite my arms
pull glass
from my forehead
try not to stare
at him.

because it's summer in my bathroom mirror.



Best, Knot

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Knot, thank you. A lot to take at once. I will get back to this a bite at a time.

One thing though you may not be seeing and I may not have made clear enough, as I tried to tie in the beginning stanza's with the last, is that there are not two people.

He is the same person. So, "I catch him staring at me" in the beginning and "I'm trying not to look at him" at the end. Now bring in the mirror. When I used, "THIS summer has been crazy hot" I wanted to convey a repetition of this cycle. That it happens more than once and left to the reader to decide how often or for how long it may have been happening. I use the seasons to, hopefully, indicate a seasonal up and down in mood and demeaner. Seasonal depression. A very real thing. 

Maybe this might read differently now... Some of your suggestions instantly made sense to me. I immediately thought that some were down right brilliant. However, the ending does not work at all for me. I think with the new information that might help answer why. Also, your writing style seems to differ from mine in many ways... The tone is lost and it feels chopped up. Too linear. This really gets me thinking and I thank you for that.  

Like I said, a lot to take in here. 

Thank you so much for your critique. Really.