04-07-2021, 09:06 AM
"This spring",
said Helen,
"I'm slightly afraid
of the magnolia --
it just seems so very exuberant,
its pinky-purply petals
mocking me
each time I try to paint it."
Brush shaking in her hand
Way to go Leaf! Striking "shrieking" was a very good idea.
The last line is very close now, but it still sounds like the voice of the N and not "Helen". It's OK to introduce N's voice, and in fact it would make the poem more realistic. Changing my to her would do that. Having the last line voiced by N reinforces N's presence, which is only known from L.2 "said Helen".
Plus, consider indenting N's voice to separate it from "Helen's". Adding quotation marks also separates the comments by "Helen".
The "brush shaking" subtly refers back to "slightly afraid" and is a very good touch.
I hope my observations help get you closer, but there's still something about the sentence structure of those last two lines that would benefit by very, very careful re-working.
Short poems are always the most difficult, as every nuance counts. Deep breath, and exhale... You've worked hard to get this one right up to the finish line.
... Mark
said Helen,
"I'm slightly afraid
of the magnolia --
it just seems so very exuberant,
its pinky-purply petals
mocking me
each time I try to paint it."
Brush shaking in her hand
Way to go Leaf! Striking "shrieking" was a very good idea.
The last line is very close now, but it still sounds like the voice of the N and not "Helen". It's OK to introduce N's voice, and in fact it would make the poem more realistic. Changing my to her would do that. Having the last line voiced by N reinforces N's presence, which is only known from L.2 "said Helen".
Plus, consider indenting N's voice to separate it from "Helen's". Adding quotation marks also separates the comments by "Helen".
The "brush shaking" subtly refers back to "slightly afraid" and is a very good touch.
I hope my observations help get you closer, but there's still something about the sentence structure of those last two lines that would benefit by very, very careful re-working.
Short poems are always the most difficult, as every nuance counts. Deep breath, and exhale... You've worked hard to get this one right up to the finish line.
... Mark