Celestial Bodies Dancing in Toronto

[Majestic Sun]

It’s hard to say if I like watching you dance
black man, with your crumpling moves.
When you look up, you make people freeze
like they saw the reaper, I think you meant
to dance to hip-hop to entice the crowd.
 
The audience knows who Majid Jordan is.
I feel like you have achieved gold-status
with those moves, in the mall, in the snow,
in a library, in the hospital, in the streets,
you have it all.
 
You impress Majid Jordan by the way you
acknowledge about the sensual music they
create, the feeling of bodies being rubbed
like sexual tension.
Sometimes I think going from place to place
in the video makes me feel a little dizzy
when seeing the rooftops so high at night.
 
Barely any semi-circles of stars in open skies.
You still dance better than most black men.
 
Hold on to your hand, put it up, fingers flicking
up and down, you crump, your limbs wiggle in
and out, what a move! See, I believe you
can make the group Majid Jordan more happy
if you perform in more music videos.
You might just blow you load in front of them
in embarrassment.

[TranquillityBase]

Good morning Majestic,

I think you could improve this by focusing only on the black man (a street performer?).  He's the star of the poem.  I kind of lose you when you start writing about the music video (?).
So the part in red is where you really lose me.  and how did he get in the video?

It is a really interesting subject for a poem.


It’s hard to say if I like watching you dance
black man, with your crumpling moves.
When you look up, you make people freeze
like they saw the reaper, I think
you meant to dance to hip-hop to entice the crowd.
 
The audience knows who Majid Jordan is.
I feel like you've achieved gold-status
with those moves, in the mall, in the snow,
in the library, in the hospital, in the streets,
you have it all.
 
You impress Majid Jordan by the way you             this reads more like a prose sentence,  needs condensing*
acknowledge about the sensual music they
create, the feeling of bodies being rubbed
like sexual tension.
Sometimes I think going from place to place.        it seems like you've switched from a poem about the dancer to a poem about a music video
in the video makes me feel a little dizzy
when seeing the rooftops so high at night.
 
Barely any semi-circles of stars in open skies.
You still dance better than most black men.          Great finish



*Just an (not great) example of what could be done

*Everybody knows Majid Jordan, but they don't know you.
You embody Majid's sensual music
the feeling of bodies being rubbed in sexual tension
I watch the video, jumping from place to place,
dizzy seeing rooftops so high at night.

[Majestic Sun]

Good morning Majestic,

I think you could improve this by focusing only on the black man (a street performer?).  He's the star of the poem.  I kind of lose you when you start writing about the music video (?).
So the part in red is where you really lose me.  and how did he get in the video?

It is a really interesting subject for a poem.


It’s hard to say if I like watching you dance
black man, with your crumpling moves.
When you look up, you make people freeze
like they saw the reaper, I think
you meant to dance to hip-hop to entice the crowd.
 
The audience knows who Majid Jordan is.
I feel like you've achieved gold-status
with those moves, in the mall, in the snow,
in the library, in the hospital, in the streets,
you have it all.
 
You impress Majid Jordan by the way you             this reads more like a prose sentence,  needs condensing*
acknowledge about the sensual music they
create, the feeling of bodies being rubbed
like sexual tension.
Sometimes I think going from place to place.        it seems like you've switched from a poem about the dancer to a poem about a music video
in the video makes me feel a little dizzy
when seeing the rooftops so high at night.
 
Barely any semi-circles of stars in open skies.
You still dance better than most black men.          Great finish



*Just an (not great) example of what could be done

*Everybody knows Majid Jordan, but they don't know you.
You embody Majid's sensual music
the feeling of bodies being rubbed in sexual tension
I watch the video, jumping from place to place,
dizzy seeing rooftops so high at night.

Well here is the thing: I was just following the music video, I wanted to embody the black man and the music video together, here is what I am talking about (2) Majid Jordan - Forever (Official Video) - YouTube

I wonder if I could just include the black man instead of talking about the music video. Also I will condense this poem.

[TranquillityBase]

Ah!  That explains a lot.

I can see why the video inspired a poem.  Yes, this could and probably should be just about his dancing.  I don't think that it's in a video is important.  You are sort of replacing Majid's music with your own poem-soundtrack.

When you rewrite it, post it with that link.

[Majestic Sun]

Ah!  That explains a lot.

I can see why the video inspired a poem.  Yes, this could and probably should be just about his dancing.  I don't think that it's in a video is important.  You are sort of replacing Majid's music with your own poem-soundtrack.

When you rewrite it, post it with that link.

Ok sure thing, currently I am editing the poem, trying to make it more fluid like the video itself.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey M. Sun-

Since this is BASIC I'll go easy...

It’s hard to say if I like watching you dance
black man, with your crumpling moves.
When you look up, you make people freeze
like they saw the reaper.  The way you approach your subject (black man) is very off-putting (to put it nicely), and I'll leave it at that.

The audience knows who Majid Jordan is.  If I'm in the audience, I may not know who Majid Jordan is, and no clue is given.
I feel like you have achieved gold-status  Is this a review, or a poem? The idea is not developed later...
with those moves, in the mall, in the snow,
in a library, in the hospital, in the streets,  This reads a bit like a laundry list without supporting details.
you have it all.

You impress Majid Jordan by the way you  ???
acknowledge about the sensual music they  Check the sentence structure
create, the feeling of bodies being rubbed
like sexual tension.  Sentence structure, again.
Sometimes I think going from place to place 
in the video makes me feel a little dizzy
when seeing the rooftops so high at night.  All of a sudden you describe a video. ???

Barely any semi-circles of stars in open skies.
You still dance better than most black men.  Un-necessarily judgemental here- do you really know how "most black men" dance?

Hold on to your hand, put it up, fingers flicking
up and down, you crump, your limbs wiggle in
and out, what a move! See, I believe you
can make the group Majid Jordan more happy  I'm really confused by this
if you perform in more music videos.
You might just blow you load in front of them  Wow, this is supposed to be some kind of shock ending? It doesn't work. 
in embarrassment.  Why embarrassment?

Well, M.Sun-  read this to yourself and listen to how it sounds.  It may be harsh to comment that this reads more like a review than a poem, but it could well be prose, with line breaks, but the line breaks are mostly arbitrary.

If you develop a relationship between the performer and the audience, and try to work in Majid Jordan more clearly, than a reader (like me) will have a better idea of what you're trying to accomplish here.  You must understand that what is clear in your mind is not clear to readers unless you offer some clues.

[Majestic Sun]

Hey M. Sun-

Since this is BASIC I'll go easy...

It’s hard to say if I like watching you dance
black man, with your crumpling moves.
When you look up, you make people freeze
like they saw the reaper.  The way you approach your subject (black man) is very off-putting (to put it nicely), and I'll leave it at that.

The audience knows who Majid Jordan is.  If I'm in the audience, I may not know who Majid Jordan is, and no clue is given.
I feel like you have achieved gold-status  Is this a review, or a poem? The idea is not developed later...
with those moves, in the mall, in the snow,
in a library, in the hospital, in the streets,  This reads a bit like a laundry list without supporting details.
you have it all.

You impress Majid Jordan by the way you  ???
acknowledge about the sensual music they  Check the sentence structure
create, the feeling of bodies being rubbed
like sexual tension.  Sentence structure, again.
Sometimes I think going from place to place 
in the video makes me feel a little dizzy
when seeing the rooftops so high at night.  All of a sudden you describe a video. ???

Barely any semi-circles of stars in open skies.
You still dance better than most black men.  Un-necessarily judgemental here- do you really know how "most black men" dance?

Hold on to your hand, put it up, fingers flicking
up and down, you crump, your limbs wiggle in
and out, what a move! See, I believe you
can make the group Majid Jordan more happy  I'm really confused by this
if you perform in more music videos.
You might just blow you load in front of them  Wow, this is supposed to be some kind of shock ending? It doesn't work. 
in embarrassment.  Why embarrassment?

Well, M.Sun-  read this to yourself and listen to how it sounds.  It may be harsh to comment that this reads more like a review than a poem, but it could well be prose, with line breaks, but the line breaks are mostly arbitrary.

If you develop a relationship between the performer and the audience, and try to work in Majid Jordan more clearly, than a reader (like me) will have a better idea of what you're trying to accomplish here.  You must understand that what is clear in your mind is not clear to readers unless you offer some clues.

Hmm, well that is why I posted the video associated with the poem, how have you not heard of Majid Jordan? I guess I need to give clues and perhaps a re-write is in order. Thanks for commenting on this piece Mark.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again M. Sun

... that is why I posted the video associated with the poem, how have you not heard of Majid Jordan? you asked

I looked them up. Regardless, the only clues in your poem are:

The audience knows who Majid Jordan is...
You impress Majid Jordan...
...you can make the group Majid Jordan...

I did not check out the video, and no video should be neceassry if the poem is doing it's job.

... Mark

[Majestic Sun]

Hello again M. Sun

... that is why I posted the video associated with the poem, how have you not heard of Majid Jordan? you asked

I looked them up. Regardless, the only clues in your poem are:

The audience knows who Majid Jordan is...
You impress Majid Jordan...
...you can make the group Majid Jordan...

I did not check out the video, and no video should be neceassry if the poem is doing it's job.

... Mark

I see, well thanks again for you feedback, who knows, you may like the video too.

[Majestic Sun]

Would it be ok if I post a revision in the future?

[Quixilated]

Would it be ok if I post a revision in the future?

You are always allowed to revise your poem. There is no timetable for editing a poem.  You can post a revision immediately or in a year or two years, it’s really up to you.   Most experienced writers tend to say don’t do big edits too soon, but let the poem and the comments received marinate a bit.  But in the end it’s completely up to you.  All we ask is that you keep every version of this poem in this same thread.  Simply edit the original post and place the revised version at the top so that new readers will critique the newest version. There is code for hiding away older versions of the poem in “spoiler” boxes if you want to keep the thread tidy. (You will find the code in “how to use the pigpen”—>”new formatting code for hiding original”).

If you have further questions, my inbox is always open.  

—Quix

[Majestic Sun]

Would it be ok if I post a revision in the future?

You are always allowed to revise your poem. There is no timetable for editing a poem.  You can post a revision immediately or in a year or two years, it’s really up to you.   Most experienced writers tend to say don’t do big edits too soon, but let the poem and the comments received marinate a bit.  But in the end it’s completely up to you.  All we ask is that you keep every version of this poem in this same thread.  Simply edit the original post and place the revised version at the top so that new readers will critique the newest version. There is code for hiding away older versions of the poem in “spoiler” boxes if you want to keep the thread tidy. (You will find the code in “how to use the pigpen”—>”new formatting code for hiding original”).

If you have further questions, my inbox is always open.  

—Quix

Thanks Quix!