04-06-2021, 07:11 AM
Hey leaf-
This spring,
said Helen,
I'm slightly afraid
of the magnolia --
it just seems so very exuberant,
its pinky-purply petals
shrieking
mocking me
each time I limp across the lawn. disabilty is now a part of the revised poem: more descriptive, good.
I think "shrieking" is still the odd word out, and I wouldn't stay married to it. Since you indicated that "Helen" is an artist, you may want to rethink that last line. Maybe something about picking up the brush... Readers will fill in the image. In the 2nd stanza you need to be careful about speaking like "Helen" would, not you, the narrator.
Yer gettin there,
... Mark
This spring,
said Helen,
I'm slightly afraid
of the magnolia --
it just seems so very exuberant,
its pinky-purply petals
shrieking
mocking me
each time I limp across the lawn. disabilty is now a part of the revised poem: more descriptive, good.
I think "shrieking" is still the odd word out, and I wouldn't stay married to it. Since you indicated that "Helen" is an artist, you may want to rethink that last line. Maybe something about picking up the brush... Readers will fill in the image. In the 2nd stanza you need to be careful about speaking like "Helen" would, not you, the narrator.
Yer gettin there,
... Mark