04-04-2021, 07:10 AM
Hello Leaf-
Welcome to the Pen.
This spring,
said Helen,
I'm slightly afraid
of the magnolia --
it just seems a bit too exuberant,
its pinky-purply petals
shrieking Ok- they're LOUD, but this loud?
mocking
each time I shuffle across the lawn. "Shuffle" deftly conveys that this may be an older person (which is how I read it) .The line seems a bit off, though, as people usually don't describe their own gait as shuffling esp across the lawn.
Though I read Helen as an older person, I have my doubts, as the older folks I know (which are many) are overjoyed by the vibrant colors of Spring. If Helen has paranoia issues, then her fear would be more understandable, but there isn't enough describing Helen. I'm sure she is clear in your mind, but she needs to be clearer in mine.
I am a big fan of short poems, and I very much like the idea you have here. Still, it would be stronger if you pay close attention to the importance of each word in the 2nd stanza.
Thanks for the read!
Mark
Welcome to the Pen.
This spring,
said Helen,
I'm slightly afraid
of the magnolia --
it just seems a bit too exuberant,
its pinky-purply petals
shrieking Ok- they're LOUD, but this loud?
mocking
each time I shuffle across the lawn. "Shuffle" deftly conveys that this may be an older person (which is how I read it) .The line seems a bit off, though, as people usually don't describe their own gait as shuffling esp across the lawn.
Though I read Helen as an older person, I have my doubts, as the older folks I know (which are many) are overjoyed by the vibrant colors of Spring. If Helen has paranoia issues, then her fear would be more understandable, but there isn't enough describing Helen. I'm sure she is clear in your mind, but she needs to be clearer in mine.
I am a big fan of short poems, and I very much like the idea you have here. Still, it would be stronger if you pay close attention to the importance of each word in the 2nd stanza.
Thanks for the read!
Mark