At the Jubilee

[Knot]

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Hi Yjack,

is this an attempt at song lyrics?


'crowded night' is very nice and the story, mourning lost love/youth, is fine, as far as it goes,

but I don't think you've successfully solved the puzzle that rhyming (frequently/always) presents.

Why 'open shoes' would make anyone 'a sight to see' is beyond me, perhaps my foot fetishism

 is insufficiently developed. (NB. L9. Shouldn't it be 'What's'?)

Similarly 'to do mine again' - I know what you mean (I think) but the phrase is just so awkward.

As is the whole of verse three. Seems to be mainly sentence fragments rather than a coherent

thought. And what is 'the thing'?


Finally, I'm not sure what 'the jubilee' really means. Are you using it in the sense of a 'county fair'

or similar?

Best, Knot

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