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(09-09-2020, 11:28 AM)Lilly123 Wrote:  Staring at you on my screen, "my" should maybe be "the"?
I know you’re not looking at me.
But when you stare right at the light,
you’re staring right into my eyes. A bit of a weak rhyme, but good thought. The metaphor isn't quite novel enough to merit breaking the rhyme.
You smile, Interesting rhythm change
it’s a mystery
what’s going on behind the scenes. Excellent
The many jagged words I hear
are going out the other ear. I feel that this clashes with and discards the choice of the word "jagged"
It’s hard to focus on the task
when you’re a part of my Zoom class. Excellent. This could have been tacky and corny, but it works as you wrote it.
Nice! The literality of the reference is refreshing, yet it's mixed with the pleasant sophistication of more abstract poetry. I actually really like "You smile,/ it's a mystery", despite the fact that it changes the rhyme scheme. I think those lines are packed with aesthetic information, and help me read the poem as I think you intend it.
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Messages In This Thread
Pinned - by Lilly123 - 09-09-2020, 11:28 AM
RE: Pinned - by Knot - 09-09-2020, 09:31 PM
RE: Pinned - by Lilly123 - 09-10-2020, 02:41 AM
RE: Pinned - by Knot - 09-10-2020, 03:15 AM
RE: Pinned - by therabbitisme - 09-12-2020, 12:54 AM
RE: Pinned - by Lilly123 - 09-12-2020, 01:49 AM
RE: Pinned - by Yjack123 - 09-12-2020, 05:03 AM



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