09-12-2020, 12:54 AM
(09-09-2020, 11:28 AM)Lilly123 Wrote: Staring at you on my screen, "my" should maybe be "the"?Nice! The literality of the reference is refreshing, yet it's mixed with the pleasant sophistication of more abstract poetry. I actually really like "You smile,/ it's a mystery", despite the fact that it changes the rhyme scheme. I think those lines are packed with aesthetic information, and help me read the poem as I think you intend it.
I know you’re not looking at me.
But when you stare right at the light,
you’re staring right into my eyes. A bit of a weak rhyme, but good thought. The metaphor isn't quite novel enough to merit breaking the rhyme.
You smile, Interesting rhythm change
it’s a mystery
what’s going on behind the scenes. Excellent
The many jagged words I hear
are going out the other ear. I feel that this clashes with and discards the choice of the word "jagged"
It’s hard to focus on the task
when you’re a part of my Zoom class. Excellent. This could have been tacky and corny, but it works as you wrote it.

