09-03-2020, 04:56 AM
I actually really like sog. Like, a lot. It really echoes, and I had to go back to check for in-rhymes. It obviously echoes the rhythm in the first line, but then breaking form of the “couplets” (line break comma linebreak comma linebreak comma) of the first stanza works very well in giving a sense of progression.
Thinking more on sog, I think actually I really like how it stops the poem, especially after a very light “skip”, I could really get the sense of avoiding boots having to pull out of the mud, and its quick offrhyme with hug really doubles down on the imagery in a pleasant way that is direct and not too laboured (har har). The word at once causes you to slow down while the repeated rhyme drives the pace forward (with god as well) in a droning way and adds to the sense of struggling haphazardly forward, and the dead stop at “dry” then delivers a really satisfying and strong contrast. The incline line seems to pick up pace (the echo in incline felt like you’re prepping for something) only for an early stop at gruel to then echo the sudden stop. Grieving indeed, very nice match on pacing and content, without at all seeming very tryhard or complicated. Very enjoyable.
Last stanza is strong and direct too, though I have less to say about it. It does seem freer to read which I’d say makes sense. Last two lines feel very light and airy, and I could imagine the whole scene crisp and simple.
I don’t usually write poetry like this and am careful not to advise what I’m unfamiliar with, but I did enjoy a lot and would love to hear any thoughts and specific questions/areas you’re interested in feedback wise.
I will say found the lack of possessive apostrophe on pops made me have to reread it for sense, which broke the flow for me.
Aside from “the” before trees, the comma after dry (id just linebreak; the formatting is enough to carry the rhythm pause imo), I don’t particularly agree with the suggestions. I don’t really see why the speaker is naive. Pops seems more nostalgic than youthful to me.
Thinking more on sog, I think actually I really like how it stops the poem, especially after a very light “skip”, I could really get the sense of avoiding boots having to pull out of the mud, and its quick offrhyme with hug really doubles down on the imagery in a pleasant way that is direct and not too laboured (har har). The word at once causes you to slow down while the repeated rhyme drives the pace forward (with god as well) in a droning way and adds to the sense of struggling haphazardly forward, and the dead stop at “dry” then delivers a really satisfying and strong contrast. The incline line seems to pick up pace (the echo in incline felt like you’re prepping for something) only for an early stop at gruel to then echo the sudden stop. Grieving indeed, very nice match on pacing and content, without at all seeming very tryhard or complicated. Very enjoyable.
Last stanza is strong and direct too, though I have less to say about it. It does seem freer to read which I’d say makes sense. Last two lines feel very light and airy, and I could imagine the whole scene crisp and simple.
I don’t usually write poetry like this and am careful not to advise what I’m unfamiliar with, but I did enjoy a lot and would love to hear any thoughts and specific questions/areas you’re interested in feedback wise.
I will say found the lack of possessive apostrophe on pops made me have to reread it for sense, which broke the flow for me.
Aside from “the” before trees, the comma after dry (id just linebreak; the formatting is enough to carry the rhythm pause imo), I don’t particularly agree with the suggestions. I don’t really see why the speaker is naive. Pops seems more nostalgic than youthful to me.