08-25-2020, 12:17 PM
(08-25-2020, 09:49 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: Sub-FiveHaven't actually done any for a while. Had to read it many times before I was able to put anything together. Man I am far out of practice.
Of swift foot running fleet across,
the hills and woods on asphalt tread
Gazing down deep shaded moss, a syllable short, but forgivable.
a burning solar plexus bed
Of burning cold upon the cheeks,
the head stretched up towards the sun
The cutting wind in sideways peaks,
left Reason at foothills to run we had some partial meter until here. the sudden spondee sent me spinning.
Of swift foot running flying kiss,
leaps from the asphalt to concrete I'd rather see consistent meter until the leap. At this point, I'd accept a spondee or caesura without question.
Shoots warm the tiny squirt of piss
The earth extends to catch the feet.
Simply, I see someone running. I'd like to see something in a straight trochaic meter, to give the sense of speed. An occasional slip is acceptable, if also mentioned in verse.
The leap does have a small disruption, but not to the desired effect.
Quote:What did nobody post anything today?!?!Life gets in the way lately.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona