08-15-2020, 01:51 AM
Certainly some nice moments in here, and I love the title. However, the rhyme scheme seems to be fairly unsettled, and some of the contrasting pairs (mind and heart, road and sky, past and future, reality and expectations) feel too common to be impactful when used in this manner. I would have to agree with Richard in terms of working to show instead of tell, as well as honing in on your main points. I loved “What a gift she has, sharing it selflessly with the world” and “Stuck in the interstellar, with no energy to withstand.” Keep working because it should not be difficult to make a few general tweaks and end up with a greatly improved poem.