Its my first poem, i wonder if anyone would understand it? All critics / feedback is appreciated, thank you..
Man...the woman, is lost.
Between the road and the sky..
In a bucket full of endless fears, stuck in a black hole...where time isn’t passing by..
Don’t know what’s right from wrong..
Like a little child, looking for her mother..everywhere...not to be found..
Man...the woman is lost..
Between her mind and heart..
Everything she had seen..was only pain
Who are you to blame?
She hasn’t been in love before..
Neither allowing herself the chance nor to explore..
No wonder why she’ll never understand..
Stuck in the interstellar, with no energy to withstand..
Man, the woman is lost..
Between her past and future to reveal..
Abused in every brutal way, a victim of this world not even having the chance to heal..
Unsure of what to show or conceal..
A product of the past, denied from living today..
Mind-slaved, yet to be freed from her inner-prison at one sunny day.
Man the woman..is lost..
Between reality and expectations..
Surrounded by coldness, longing for somethings that only exist in her imaginations..
What a gift she has, sharing it selflessly with the world..
But so stingy & scared when it comes to share her inner-beauty for her to truly unfold..
Man the woman..is..lost...
Disturbed, and It’s not you to blame..
Everyone has to go through their own process, its just sad to see what nobody saw within you and walk away, seeing you killed..in every way.
She’s bright as the sun, yet her light is fading away...
from people so envy they want to take her smile & put it in an ashtray.
Man the woman is lost..
With no home for her to feel at ease
Sensing no one really close...or at any peace..
In distant lands, from within and out..
By only time and more pain..
She will realize & wake up without a constrain..
Man the woman is lost,
Glimpses of hope from here and there..
Away from reality and love to bear..
Everyone around, showing her a different way,
But yet again, who are you to say?
Shattered, broken & confused...
I’m sorry!!! Was it you who were used???
I didn’t see this through..I didn’t mean to do what i do!!..I just dont want to be accused.
Man..the woman..is..lost..
She’s not a bad person, she’s just scared..
From all her past experiences she had..
She’s still unprepared..
To see whats real from whats not..
She has to find her way before she turns into a robot..
Man, you had no clear & honest closure..
After all that, do you need any more closures?
The woman is no where near to be ready..
Torn between the road and the sky, thinking one day she can be steady..
Oh she will one day, whether you’re here or far away..
All you can do is wish her well...
the days will pass when you will forget, and only by time you will be able to tell...
Hey aielserafy,
I haven't critiqued a poem in a while, so I might be a bit rusty. I feel like this poem might be trying to do too much and could use some more focus. As well, the repetition of "Man... the woman is lost" is overdone. It's already the title and the first line of the poem, so it doesn't need to be repeated after that. I know you play around with the punctuation in the line throughout the poem, but that doesn't make me buy into the use of repetition. I'll go into some more detail below:
(08-14-2020, 11:07 AM)aielserafy Wrote: [ -> ]Its my first poem, i wonder if anyone would understand it? All critics / feedback is appreciated, thank you..
Man...the woman, is lost. -The comma here before "is" doesn't add much. If you want to emphasize "is lost" maybe consider a line break?
Between the road and the sky..
In a bucket full of endless fears, stuck in a black hole...where time isn’t passing by.. -A black hole in a bucket has potential as an image, but you need to play around with it more.
Don’t know what’s right from wrong..
Like a little child, looking for her mother..everywhere...not to be found..
Man...the woman is lost..
Between her mind and heart..
Everything she had seen..was only pain -This is telling more than showing. Why not use an image instead of saying "pain"?
Who are you to blame?
She hasn’t been in love before..
Neither allowing herself the chance nor to explore..
No wonder why she’ll never understand..
Stuck in the interstellar, with no energy to withstand.. -I get you're trying to play with her being lost and the space imagery. However, you should pick one route and focus on it. In other words, focus on her being hurt or on using the space imagery to communicate how lost she is.
Man, the woman is lost..
Between her past and future to reveal..
Abused in every brutal way, a victim of this world not even having the chance to heal.. -I would suggest using an image instead of saying "abused".
Unsure of what to show or conceal..
A product of the past, denied from living today..
Mind-slaved, yet to be freed from her inner-prison at one sunny day.
Man the woman..is lost..
Between reality and expectations..
Surrounded by coldness, longing for somethings that only exist in her imaginations..
What a gift she has, sharing it selflessly with the world..
But so stingy & scared when it comes to share her inner-beauty for her to truly unfold.. -What gives her her inner beauty? This is telling more than showing again.
Man the woman..is..lost...
Disturbed, and It’s not you to blame..
Everyone has to go through their own process, its just sad to see what nobody saw within you and walk away, seeing you killed..in every way.
She’s bright as the sun, yet her light is fading away... -The simile "bright as the sun" borders in cliche. Why not something like "bright as a dead star" since she is tortured by what is going on?
from people so envy they want to take her smile & put it in an ashtray.
Man the woman is lost..
With no home for her to feel at ease
Sensing no one really close...or at any peace..
In distant lands, from within and out..
By only time and more pain..
She will realize & wake up without a constrain.. I feel like an image would work better than saying "constrain". I know you're making your rhyme work here, but this is again tending more towards telling instead of showing.
Man the woman is lost,
Glimpses of hope from here and there..
Away from reality and love to bear..
Everyone around, showing her a different way,
But yet again, who are you to say?
Shattered, broken & confused...
I’m sorry!!! Was it you who were used??? -Maybe put quotation marks or write these lines in italics to show the change into dialogue?
I didn’t see this through..I didn’t mean to do what i do!!..I just dont want to be accused.
Man..the woman..is..lost..
She’s not a bad person, she’s just scared..
From all her past experiences she had..
She’s still unprepared..
To see whats real from whats not..
She has to find her way before she turns into a robot.. -Perhaps consider using less periods? If you want to emphasize certain words, reconsider your line breaks and/or line length.
Man, you had no clear & honest closure..
After all that, do you need any more closures?
The woman is no where near to be ready..
Torn between the road and the sky, thinking one day she can be steady..
Oh she will one day, whether you’re here or far away..
All you can do is wish her well...
the days will pass when you will forget, and only by time you will be able to tell... -I like the idea of ending with the woman being further abandoned. It would be stronger if you trimmed this stanza down a bit.
I hope I wasn't too harsh here. I think you got the emotions needed in this poem. You just have to work on showing the reader more through images instead of just telling them.
Cheers,
Richard
Certainly some nice moments in here, and I love the title. However, the rhyme scheme seems to be fairly unsettled, and some of the contrasting pairs (mind and heart, road and sky, past and future, reality and expectations) feel too common to be impactful when used in this manner. I would have to agree with Richard in terms of working to show instead of tell, as well as honing in on your main points. I loved “What a gift she has, sharing it selflessly with the world” and “Stuck in the interstellar, with no energy to withstand.” Keep working because it should not be difficult to make a few general tweaks and end up with a greatly improved poem.
Hey
Thanks a lot for your feedback, i will surely consider those few tweaks..
Thanks a lot!
(08-14-2020, 12:45 PM)Richard Wrote: [ -> ]Hey aielserafy,
I haven't critiqued a poem in a while, so I might be a bit rusty. I feel like this poem might be trying to do too much and could use some more focus. As well, the repetition of "Man... the woman is lost" is overdone. It's already the title and the first line of the poem, so it doesn't need to be repeated after that. I know you play around with the punctuation in the line throughout the poem, but that doesn't make me buy into the use of repetition. I'll go into some more detail below:
(08-14-2020, 11:07 AM)aielserafy Wrote: [ -> ]Its my first poem, i wonder if anyone would understand it? All critics / feedback is appreciated, thank you..
Man...the woman, is lost. -The comma here before "is" doesn't add much. If you want to emphasize "is lost" maybe consider a line break?
Between the road and the sky..
In a bucket full of endless fears, stuck in a black hole...where time isn’t passing by.. -A black hole in a bucket has potential as an image, but you need to play around with it more.
Don’t know what’s right from wrong..
Like a little child, looking for her mother..everywhere...not to be found..
Man...the woman is lost..
Between her mind and heart..
Everything she had seen..was only pain -This is telling more than showing. Why not use an image instead of saying "pain"?
Who are you to blame?
She hasn’t been in love before..
Neither allowing herself the chance nor to explore..
No wonder why she’ll never understand..
Stuck in the interstellar, with no energy to withstand.. -I get you're trying to play with her being lost and the space imagery. However, you should pick one route and focus on it. In other words, focus on her being hurt or on using the space imagery to communicate how lost she is.
Man, the woman is lost..
Between her past and future to reveal..
Abused in every brutal way, a victim of this world not even having the chance to heal.. -I would suggest using an image instead of saying "abused".
Unsure of what to show or conceal..
A product of the past, denied from living today..
Mind-slaved, yet to be freed from her inner-prison at one sunny day.
Man the woman..is lost..
Between reality and expectations..
Surrounded by coldness, longing for somethings that only exist in her imaginations..
What a gift she has, sharing it selflessly with the world..
But so stingy & scared when it comes to share her inner-beauty for her to truly unfold.. -What gives her her inner beauty? This is telling more than showing again.
Man the woman..is..lost...
Disturbed, and It’s not you to blame..
Everyone has to go through their own process, its just sad to see what nobody saw within you and walk away, seeing you killed..in every way.
She’s bright as the sun, yet her light is fading away... -The simile "bright as the sun" borders in cliche. Why not something like "bright as a dead star" since she is tortured by what is going on?
from people so envy they want to take her smile & put it in an ashtray.
Man the woman is lost..
With no home for her to feel at ease
Sensing no one really close...or at any peace..
In distant lands, from within and out..
By only time and more pain..
She will realize & wake up without a constrain.. I feel like an image would work better than saying "constrain". I know you're making your rhyme work here, but this is again tending more towards telling instead of showing.
Man the woman is lost,
Glimpses of hope from here and there..
Away from reality and love to bear..
Everyone around, showing her a different way,
But yet again, who are you to say?
Shattered, broken & confused...
I’m sorry!!! Was it you who were used??? -Maybe put quotation marks or write these lines in italics to show the change into dialogue?
I didn’t see this through..I didn’t mean to do what i do!!..I just dont want to be accused.
Man..the woman..is..lost..
She’s not a bad person, she’s just scared..
From all her past experiences she had..
She’s still unprepared..
To see whats real from whats not..
She has to find her way before she turns into a robot.. -Perhaps consider using less periods? If you want to emphasize certain words, reconsider your line breaks and/or line length.
Man, you had no clear & honest closure..
After all that, do you need any more closures?
The woman is no where near to be ready..
Torn between the road and the sky, thinking one day she can be steady..
Oh she will one day, whether you’re here or far away..
All you can do is wish her well...
the days will pass when you will forget, and only by time you will be able to tell... -I like the idea of ending with the woman being further abandoned. It would be stronger if you trimmed this stanza down a bit.
I hope I wasn't too harsh here. I think you got the emotions needed in this poem. You just have to work on showing the reader more through images instead of just telling them.
Cheers,
Richard
Thank you! Ill tweak a bit for sure, thanks once again.
(08-15-2020, 01:51 AM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]Certainly some nice moments in here, and I love the title. However, the rhyme scheme seems to be fairly unsettled, and some of the contrasting pairs (mind and heart, road and sky, past and future, reality and expectations) feel too common to be impactful when used in this manner. I would have to agree with Richard in terms of working to show instead of tell, as well as honing in on your main points. I loved “What a gift she has, sharing it selflessly with the world” and “Stuck in the interstellar, with no energy to withstand.” Keep working because it should not be difficult to make a few general tweaks and end up with a greatly improved poem.
Lose the first line of every stanza. Honestly, it's way to boring of a line to repeat.
Start with "she's lost"
Whittle down the inter-dynamic, rewrite it as each stanza as a scene.
But what would make it fire is if it took the perspective of the faults of "she" were realized as subconscious projections of the speake. So as the poem proceeds the it goes from "she" to just lost then finally "I" or "me". Just remember a good poem lives beyond fiction or nonfiction, change actual events to make a better poem.