08-15-2020, 12:49 AM
I love the creativity in this poem, which stems from its form that's so different from what my brain demands that I write. (It contains none of the line breaks I'd use - nor should it.) However, being borderline O.C.D, there are things that don't work for me.
The first line's ending ( descending into the depths ) seems inconsistent with the second's beginning ( The farther I float ). If the "descending" imagery is to be maintained, what about "The deeper I go, ... " to start the second? And, ending with "The surface of this water, I can no longer reach." could be a consistent way to maintain the image.
Now, lines one and two establish a form and rhythm that are broken by the next set of lines. My O.C.D brain is bothered by this disruption. The key thoughts - diminishing light, evolving numbness (and the reason for it), acknowledging the eventual outcome - need to stand out. Could this be made to happen by stripping out some words and re-establishing the previous lines' form and rhythm? (For example, leaving out "I touch the bordering line" would keep me from wondering what that means, while elevating "my skin becomes numb".)
The "Into the Deep" theme is furthered by the poem's remaining lines. Maybe there would be some edits that would improve them, but I'm not going to let my compulsive desire for from/rhythm throttle your creativity.
And, I have to agree with the previous assessment of the last line. An original, very powerful and well crafted.
Many thanks for sharing your writings with us.
The first line's ending ( descending into the depths ) seems inconsistent with the second's beginning ( The farther I float ). If the "descending" imagery is to be maintained, what about "The deeper I go, ... " to start the second? And, ending with "The surface of this water, I can no longer reach." could be a consistent way to maintain the image.
Now, lines one and two establish a form and rhythm that are broken by the next set of lines. My O.C.D brain is bothered by this disruption. The key thoughts - diminishing light, evolving numbness (and the reason for it), acknowledging the eventual outcome - need to stand out. Could this be made to happen by stripping out some words and re-establishing the previous lines' form and rhythm? (For example, leaving out "I touch the bordering line" would keep me from wondering what that means, while elevating "my skin becomes numb".)
The "Into the Deep" theme is furthered by the poem's remaining lines. Maybe there would be some edits that would improve them, but I'm not going to let my compulsive desire for from/rhythm throttle your creativity.
And, I have to agree with the previous assessment of the last line. An original, very powerful and well crafted.
Many thanks for sharing your writings with us.