Penelope Motel

[dukealien]

(Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)

I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here. "weren't" can be problematic for a reader - 2 syllables or 1? - though singer and songwriter will manage
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.

But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more, "no more" jars a little, only use of that argot.  "any more" would work.
I’m a new kind of ill.

Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true    (period)

You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream. this stanza = good candidate for cutting

So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.  another restatement, could be cut (this stanza)

The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave (period)

What’s that you said  this is a good stanza... could the idea of being awake be worked into its last line?
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay. a better solution than "weren't" in stanza 1

I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope  em dash here, perhaps?
Loving wife, she’s a model  "she was" a model, to keep her separate from the speaker?
of patient fidelity

Here I sit, sweet Penelope  might put "your" after the comma
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.   nice use of near-rhyme

Your basic idea is neat, though you're right, the number of verses could be reduced by a few (some thoughts on which, above).  Also a few suggestions on handling contractions such as "weren't" - leave them up to the singer, perhaps.  (I read his as a torch song.)

The main revision this needs (not having read any other comments) is re-ordering the stanzas so they form a logical progression - either devotion to disenchantment, or perhaps less to more intense.  Another organizing sequence would be to actively bounce back and forth between affection and disaffection.  

And finally... the title.  It's clever, but without tying the story to the present more closely it doesn't match up with talk of home and Odysseus' wanderings/Penelope's faithfulness.  "Motel Penelope" could work, with alternate meanings of a motel named that, versus implied "(she's a) motel Penelope."

Hope that's helpful, and not too far from Basic.