(Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here.
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more,
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream.
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
What’s that you said
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay.
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope
Loving wife, she’s a model
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.
(07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here.
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more,
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream.
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
What’s that you said
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay.
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope
Loving wife, she’s a model
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.
Having unabashed fun with words is always a good thing. In this case I think you've made the mistake of letting concern for rhyme and sometimes meter, drive the writing of the poem. You've essentially got a series of rhyming couplets all reiterating that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" There's certainly an idea for a poem here, but Penelope needs to play a larger role than some playful rhymes.
Yes? Tell me about this presentation.
(07-24-2020, 09:17 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ] (07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here.
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more,
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream.
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
What’s that you said
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay.
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope
Loving wife, she’s a model
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.
This poem feels like a stream-of-consciousness, (which isn't a bad thing) but I think the piece could play a larger role just like what Tiger said, there needs to be more than just playful rhymes, my advice is to get rid of those cliché lines (in fact maybe all of them) as they dreadfully cheesy. Maybe re-write the poem, this reminds me of a presentation I wrote called The Aphrodite and in the passages of the poem it takes place outside of a motel.
(07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here.
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more,
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream.
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
What’s that you said
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay.
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope
Loving wife, she’s a model
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.
I don't know if the sing-song nursery rhymey quality of the verse was meant to be ironical, but it's not achieving its purpose (if indeed it had a purpose). The first two lines of the poem are the exposition of the entire poem. It is not clear what the rest of the lines achieve. There is no twist thereafter, nor is there a further exploration of Penelope's psychology, although the subject matter is ripe for such a venture. Nor indeed, is there afforded the reader a measure of sonority in the verse.
(07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here.
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more,
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream.
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
What’s that you said
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay.
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope
Loving wife, she’s a model
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.
Hello Valarie Please,
I think this is pretty good. I've got no problem with it playing around with a single concept, ie. "familiarity breeds contempt", and each quatrain giving inventive and amusing articulations of that; it's in that kind of playful lyrical poetry style. There are cliches but they are there to be subverted, so they don't really count as cliches. For example "you can't be my dream lover" is a terrible cliche but it is made funny by the following line "if you're planning to stay." and so on. It's basically messing around with our expectations of a traditional love poem cannily using Odysseus and Penelope as archetypes of that tradition.
With that being the case my criticism is the meter needs to be tighter. Because it's supposed to be tongue in cheek I feel like you have to be really spot on with the rhythm. Like a good stand-up, you've got to hit every beat. And this doesn't. For example, instead of "The waiting is over / There’s no more reason to grieve" maybe "
The waiting is over / no more reason to grieve". And so on.
Also, I don't know if it's some typos or what but I couldn't quite follow who was supposed to be speaking in the last couple of stanzas. I think you went from Penelope to Odysseus?
anyway, thanks for sharing.
Sounds like a great idea for a film.
(07-24-2020, 11:35 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ] (07-24-2020, 11:02 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ]Yes? Tell me about this presentation.
(07-24-2020, 09:17 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ]This poem feels like a stream-of-consciousness, (which isn't a bad thing) but I think the piece could play a larger role just like what Tiger said, there needs to be more than just playful rhymes, my advice is to get rid of those cliché lines (in fact maybe all of them) as they dreadfully cheesy. Maybe re-write the poem, this reminds me of a presentation I wrote called The Aphrodite and in the passages of the poem it takes place outside of a motel.
It was just an epic poem I wrote, about a love for a goddess named Aeries, and they travel to Los Angeles together to fall in love.
Just as a general thanks for reading and taking the time to respond. I’m thinking the concept might be stronger if I removed the framing story and rewrote it putting everything in Penelope’s mouth.
Thanks for the read and the feedback. It’s definitely not intended as an absence makes the heart grow fonder poem. So it’s good to know that the objective hasn’t yet been reached. I appreciate the perspective and the challenge to raise the bar on the poem.
(07-24-2020, 09:09 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ] (07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here.
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more,
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream.
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
What’s that you said
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay.
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope
Loving wife, she’s a model
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.
Having unabashed fun with words is always a good thing. In this case I think you've made the mistake of letting concern for rhyme and sometimes meter, drive the writing of the poem. You've essentially got a series of rhyming couplets all reiterating that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" There's certainly an idea for a poem here, but Penelope needs to play a larger role than some playful rhymes.
Thank you for the read and the feedback and for the challenge to push the poem in a more interesting direction.
(07-24-2020, 11:37 AM)busker Wrote: [ -> ] (07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here.
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more,
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream.
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
What’s that you said
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay.
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope
Loving wife, she’s a model
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.
I don't know if the sing-song nursery rhymey quality of the verse was meant to be ironical, but it's not achieving its purpose (if indeed it had a purpose). The first two lines of the poem are the exposition of the entire poem. It is not clear what the rest of the lines achieve. There is no twist thereafter, nor is there a further exploration of Penelope's psychology, although the subject matter is ripe for such a venture. Nor indeed, is there afforded the reader a measure of sonority in the verse.
Thanks for the read and response. Clunky meter simply won’t do and the specificity of your feedback is helpful.
(07-24-2020, 01:06 PM)Exit Wrote: [ -> ] (07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here.
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more,
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream.
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here.
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
What’s that you said
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay.
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope
Loving wife, she’s a model
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone.
Hello Valarie Please,
I think this is pretty good. I've got no problem with it playing around with a single concept, ie. "familiarity breeds contempt", and each quatrain giving inventive and amusing articulations of that; it's in that kind of playful lyrical poetry style. There are cliches but they are there to be subverted, so they don't really count as cliches. For example "you can't be my dream lover" is a terrible cliche but it is made funny by the following line "if you're planning to stay." and so on. It's basically messing around with our expectations of a traditional love poem cannily using Odysseus and Penelope as archetypes of that tradition.
With that being the case my criticism is the meter needs to be tighter. Because it's supposed to be tongue in cheek I feel like you have to be really spot on with the rhythm. Like a good stand-up, you've got to hit every beat. And this doesn't. For example, instead of "The waiting is over / There’s no more reason to grieve" maybe "The waiting is over / no more reason to grieve". And so on.
Also, I don't know if it's some typos or what but I couldn't quite follow who was supposed to be speaking in the last couple of stanzas. I think you went from Penelope to Odysseus?
anyway, thanks for sharing.
Am I sure? No way! You only told me a snippet. But, why not? Deities on a road trip to Los Angeles? If Chevy Chase and the Muppets can do it, why not?
Why not post a snip of your epic?
(07-24-2020, 09:32 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ]You think so? For a film? My poem? Are you sure?
Here’s the rewrite. Look, I’m not saying that the world necessarily needed this poem. But, thanks to your very practical feedback, it feels tighter and sharper to me now. Thanks again for the guidance.
The muse she sang
your tale of renown
your journey to hell
and back above ground
Returning to me
your Penelope dear
a wife so patient
a wife so sincere
Ten years of callers
lined up at the gate
My main occupation
to sit still and wait
Many a night
dreaming of you.
My heart beating steady,
my heart beating true
Upon your return
the end of the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
change horses midstream.
So here we are
the silence we share.
I miss you more darling
when you are not here.
Polite conversation
a ritual hug
No passionate kisses
we nod and we shrug
The waiting is over
The sighs of relief
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
Awaiting my hero
Holding the home
But lately it hits me
I was happy alone.
Sing muse again
of Penelope
the classical model
queen of fidelity
(07-26-2020, 12:08 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ]Here’s the rewrite. Look, I’m not saying that the world necessarily needed this poem. But, thanks to your very practical feedback, it feels tighter and sharper to me now. Thanks again for the guidance.
The muse she sang
your tale of renown
your journey to hell
and back above ground
Returning to me
your Penelope dear
a wife so patient
a wife so sincere
Ten years of callers
lined up at the gate
My main occupation
to sit still and wait
Many a night
dreaming of you.
My heart beating steady,
my heart beating true
Upon your return
the end of the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
change horses midstream.
So here we are
the silence we share.
I miss you more darling
when you are not here.
Polite conversation
a ritual hug
No passionate kisses
we nod and we shrug
The waiting is over
The sighs of relief
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
Awaiting my hero
Holding the home
But lately it hits me
I was happy alone.
Sing muse again
of Penelope
the classical model
queen of fidelity
I think I prefer the second edit. This one's taking itself a bit too seriously. But if you are going to continue with this version, I suggest—tedious as it is—do a basic syllable count. You're going from 9 syllables to as much as 12 sometimes, depending on the stanza. So even though it appears to be tighter, it is in fact less rhythmical and more jarring, overall.
Thanks. I’ve found your advice very practical and helpful.
(07-26-2020, 04:22 AM)Exit Wrote: [ -> ] (07-26-2020, 12:08 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ]Here’s the rewrite. Look, I’m not saying that the world necessarily needed this poem. But, thanks to your very practical feedback, it feels tighter and sharper to me now. Thanks again for the guidance.
The muse she sang
your tale of renown
your journey to hell
and back above ground
Returning to me
your Penelope dear
a wife so patient
a wife so sincere
Ten years of callers
lined up at the gate
My main occupation
to sit still and wait
Many a night
dreaming of you.
My heart beating steady,
my heart beating true
Upon your return
the end of the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
change horses midstream.
So here we are
the silence we share.
I miss you more darling
when you are not here.
Polite conversation
a ritual hug
No passionate kisses
we nod and we shrug
The waiting is over
The sighs of relief
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave
Awaiting my hero
Holding the home
But lately it hits me
I was happy alone.
Sing muse again
of Penelope
the classical model
queen of fidelity
I think I prefer the second edit. This one's taking itself a bit too seriously. But if you are going to continue with this version, I suggest—tedious as it is—do a basic syllable count. You're going from 9 syllables to as much as 12 sometimes, depending on the stanza. So even though it appears to be tighter, it is in fact less rhythmical and more jarring, overall.
(07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here. "weren't" can be problematic for a reader - 2 syllables or 1? - though singer and songwriter will manage
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more, "no more" jars a little, only use of that argot. "any more" would work.
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true (period)
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream. this stanza = good candidate for cutting
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here. another restatement, could be cut (this stanza)
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave (period)
What’s that you said this is a good stanza... could the idea of being awake be worked into its last line?
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay. a better solution than "weren't" in stanza 1
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope em dash here, perhaps?
Loving wife, she’s a model "she was" a model, to keep her separate from the speaker?
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope might put "your" after the comma
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone. nice use of near-rhyme
Your basic idea is neat, though you're right, the number of verses could be reduced by a few (some thoughts on which, above). Also a few suggestions on handling contractions such as "weren't" - leave them up to the singer, perhaps. (I read his as a torch song.)
The main revision this needs (not having read any other comments) is re-ordering the stanzas so they form a logical progression - either devotion to disenchantment, or perhaps less to more intense. Another organizing sequence would be to actively bounce back and forth between affection and disaffection.
And finally... the title. It's clever, but without tying the story to the present more closely it doesn't match up with talk of home and Odysseus' wanderings/Penelope's faithfulness. "Motel Penelope" could work, with alternate meanings of a motel named that, versus implied "(she's a) motel Penelope."
Hope that's helpful, and not too far from Basic.
This feedback was fantastically helpful. To be honest I agree with the “change horses midstream line” and I think it’s clunky. Unfortunately, I’m finding it difficult to replace since the beginning of the stanza moves the story forward, or perhaps all of that should be in scare quotes: “moves” “story” “forward.” I even did a total rewrite and it made it through, much to my chagrin. I’m still letting the solution to that problem simmer.
Thank you again for the read!
(07-26-2020, 07:42 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ] (07-24-2020, 04:55 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: [ -> ](Note: this was posted yesterday and someone realized that a line I’d used appeared in an old song. No good! But thanks for the catch, Exit. I reworked it and have had way too much fun in the process. I think it is too long and redundant and just needs editing. In short, I need opinions. Please share yours.)
I missed you more darling
when you weren’t here. "weren't" can be problematic for a reader - 2 syllables or 1? - though singer and songwriter will manage
How I longed to hold you,
your sweet voice in my ear.
But then you came back
and I soon had my fill.
I’m not homesick no more, "no more" jars a little, only use of that argot. "any more" would work.
I’m a new kind of ill.
Long nights I spent honey,
dreaming of you.
My heart beating lonely,
my heart beating true (period)
You appeared in the morning
and I awoke from the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream. this stanza = good candidate for cutting
So here we are it’s
now and always my dear
Babe, you know I can’t miss you
if you’re always here. another restatement, could be cut (this stanza)
The waiting is over
There’s no more reason to grieve
But I’ll never want you
if you never leave (period)
What’s that you said this is a good stanza... could the idea of being awake be worked into its last line?
about forever and a day?
You can’t be my dream lover
if you are planning to stay. a better solution than "weren't" in stanza 1
I’ll be your dear,
sweet Penelope em dash here, perhaps?
Loving wife, she’s a model "she was" a model, to keep her separate from the speaker?
of patient fidelity
Here I sit, sweet Penelope might put "your" after the comma
welcoming my hero home
But I can’t help but wonder
if she was just happy alone. nice use of near-rhyme
Your basic idea is neat, though you're right, the number of verses could be reduced by a few (some thoughts on which, above). Also a few suggestions on handling contractions such as "weren't" - leave them up to the singer, perhaps. (I read his as a torch song.)
The main revision this needs (not having read any other comments) is re-ordering the stanzas so they form a logical progression - either devotion to disenchantment, or perhaps less to more intense. Another organizing sequence would be to actively bounce back and forth between affection and disaffection.
And finally... the title. It's clever, but without tying the story to the present more closely it doesn't match up with talk of home and Odysseus' wanderings/Penelope's faithfulness. "Motel Penelope" could work, with alternate meanings of a motel named that, versus implied "(she's a) motel Penelope."
Hope that's helpful, and not too far from Basic.
VP,
"Maybe we shouldn’t
have changed horses midstream."
This is the only line that seems blatantly forced, The rest I can stomach.
Even Shakespeare did a certain amount of word play, often going for the low hanging fruit of puns. However, there is a fair amount of beating a dead horse (redundancy) which will tend to drive your reader away. So even if one takes it as it appears, a "funny poem," it is still a weak effort.
best,
dale