04-09-2020, 09:33 AM
Hi Savannah -
I think you can start with something stronger to describe the sunlight in the first sentence. Maybe consider Sunlight drowns the roads or something more subtle like the Sunlight embraces or baths the roads. If you want evoke a bleak scene, maybe consider Sunlight fades over roads.
The next 2 lines sound really good.
Overall I like the second stanza. It captures the essence of sadness well. The first sentence is heavy with the use of 2 adjectives and you can consider using only 1 of requiem or apathy (less is more). The usage of drying maybe does not fully capture the image you are trying to project and can we replaced with dying, parched, or failing.
The usage of azure and cerulean seems too heavy and forced to me but that might because I am beginner in poetry so I would defer to suggestions from other experienced members here.
I think you can start with something stronger to describe the sunlight in the first sentence. Maybe consider Sunlight drowns the roads or something more subtle like the Sunlight embraces or baths the roads. If you want evoke a bleak scene, maybe consider Sunlight fades over roads.
The next 2 lines sound really good.
Overall I like the second stanza. It captures the essence of sadness well. The first sentence is heavy with the use of 2 adjectives and you can consider using only 1 of requiem or apathy (less is more). The usage of drying maybe does not fully capture the image you are trying to project and can we replaced with dying, parched, or failing.
The usage of azure and cerulean seems too heavy and forced to me but that might because I am beginner in poetry so I would defer to suggestions from other experienced members here.