Sundowning (was Isolation)

[TranquillityBase]

For surprisingly little cost 

you can massively increase 

all the manifold voices

curled inside the empty chambers 

of the revolver pointed at your head. 

It doesn't take much

just synchronize your heartbeat

to the failing sun                   

and erase the red music 

at the edges of the flesh 

erase the red music

until there is no horizon.

Erase the red music.

So easy, anyone can do it.





(by the TKollective)

For surprisingly little cost 



you can vastly increase 



the voices curled 



inside the empty chambers 



of the revolver pointed at your head. 







Merely synchronize 



your diminishing heartbeat



to the setting of the sun



and erase the red music 



at the edges of the flesh 



until there is no horizon. 











So easy anyone can do it. 















v.1



For surprisingly little cost 







you can vastly increase 







the voices curled 







inside the empty chambers 







of the revolver pointed at your head. 







All you need is THE BUSINESS! 







Adds extra tight bundles 







of the single minded obstinate







to the darkening church-like sky 







where peripheral humans 







gather in the western breeze.







So easy anyone can do it. 







Merely synchronize the sinking sun







with your diminishing heartbeat 







and erase the red music 







at the edges of the flesh 







until there is no horizon. 

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB,

(a little cut, no paste, for the sake of discussion),



For surprisingly little cost
you can vastly increase
the voices curled
inside the empty chambers
of the revolver pointed at your head.

All you need is THE BUSINESS!
Adds extra tight bundles
of the single minded obstinate
to the darkening church-like sky
where peripheral humans
gather in the western breeze.
So easy anyone can do it. ...........................I'd be tempted to have this as the title.

Merely synchronize the sinking sun
with your diminishing heartbeat
and erase the red music
at the edges of the flesh
until there is no horizon.


Really like stanzas one and three, but I get lost in s2 (particularly the 'adds') - do you need it?


Best, Knot


.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Tim-
good to see ya in

Isolation

For surprisingly little cost
you can vastly increase
the voices curled
inside the empty chambers
of the revolver pointed at your head.

Merely synchronize the sinking sun
with your diminishing heartbeat
and erase the red music 
at the edges of the flesh
until there is no horizon.

So easy anyone can do it.

As you can see, I cut out the middle of the poem, and moved a line to the end. 

Ya got some great little surreal images/lines:
"For surprisingly little cost you can vastly increase the voices..."  "erase the red music..." 

Somehow, it makes perfect sense- I guess lost minds are like minds...

Thanks for this one,
Mark

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks Mark and Knot.  I've posted a revision.  I did reverse the "heartbeat/sun" images because it seemed to make more sense.  I agree that the middle section added little to the core of the poem, so I dropped those lines.  

Inspiration has been lacking lately.  I took a hiatus but it's good to be back.

[Knot]

.
Hi Tqb,

like the revision, with two exceptions.
The last line (it doesn't really work there, and I still think it would make a better title.)
The second is 'diminishing' (it feels redundant, given 'synchronise ... to the setting sun' do you need it?)
And if pushed, I'd also revisit 'vastly'


So easy anyone can do it.


For surprisingly little cost
you can increase
the voices curled inside
the empty chambers
of the revolver at your head.

Merely synchronize
your heartbeat
to the setting of the sun
and erase the red music
at the edges of the flesh
until there is no horizon.


Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

.
Hi Tqb,

like the revision, with two exceptions.
The last line (it doesn't really work there, and I still think it would make a better title.)
The second is 'diminishing' (it feels redundant, given 'synchronise ... to the setting sun' do you need it?)
And if pushed, I'd also revisit 'vastly'

I'm going for an almost commercial sounding jingle* here (but about something wholly non-commercial of course).  At least that's how it sounds in my head.  Losing "vastly" would kill that for me.  You have a point on "diminishing", tho I still like it a lot so....

So, that's why I put that last line, last, for the jingle* effect.

Does any of that change your reading of it?

TqB

***************************************************

*jingle is the wrong word...."salesman's spiel'......

[Xlateralus]

For surprisingly little cost 
you can vastly increase 
the voices curled 
inside the empty chambers 
of the revolver pointed at your head. 

I like the curled voices in empty chambers. I think the line breaks are haphazardly made. I understand the vastly/voices sound you are going for but the phrasing you can vastly increase strikes me as a little off.

Merely synchronize 
your diminishing heartbeat
to the setting of the sun
and erase the red music 
at the edges of the flesh 
until there is no horizon. 


So easy anyone can do it. 

Not sure about synchronize. And perhaps I would cut “the” from the “edges of the flesh” phrase.

For surprisingly little cost 

you can vastly increase 

the voices curled 

inside the empty chambers 

of the revolver pointed at your head. 

All you need is THE BUSINESS! 

Adds extra tight bundles 

of the single minded obstinate

to the darkening church-like sky 

where peripheral humans 

gather in the western breeze.

So easy anyone can do it. 

Merely synchronize the sinking sun

with your diminishing heartbeat 

and erase the red music 

at the edges of the flesh 

until there is no horizon. 

[/quote]

---

For a jingle/advertising thing virtually increase instead of vastly maybe. Overall I don’t think that part of the poem comes through at all. I just think it’s a poem about someone trying to talk themselves into suicide. It isn’t that easy, is it?

[Knot]

.

Hi TqB,

re ..."salesman's spiel",

I don't think this does come through that clearly, or rather it starts of quite foregrounded but then retreats and the 'random' (for want of a term ) line breaks take over and obscure it. Also, I think it loses that conversational tone in the second verse.

Still finding the last line problematic, despite your explanation. I don't think it's something you worked towards (or at least that is how it reads.)

Can you explain just what it is the salesman is selling, preferably in a single word? ... There's your title.

Until then, how about

Peace of Mind / Red Music

For surprisingly little cost

you can massively increase

all the voices ............................................................think 'voices' needs a modifier, 'manifold', 'mutinous', 'mercurial'?

curled inside the empty chambers

of the revolver pointed at your head.

It doesn't take much

just synchronize your heartbeat

with the diminishing sun

and erase the red music

at the edges of the flesh

erase the red music

until there is no horizon.

erase the red music

so easy, anyone could do it.

Best, Knot

.

[Mark A Becker]

OK Tim -
I'll take another shot at it (pun intended):

For surprisingly little cost
you can vastly increase
the voices curled
inside the empty chambers  I think the gun should be loaded
of the revolver pointed at your head.

Merely synchronize
your diminishing heartbeat "breathing" would be more to the point than "diminishing heartbeat"
to the setting of the sun
and erase the red music  maybe "engage"
at the edges of the flesh   stumble here every time I read it
until there is no horizon. re-think "until there is no" to simply "beyond the" ?

So easy anyone can do it. I still like this as a final line: trying to sell the idea of suicide to oneself (I get the dark humor). That said, the "sales pitch" ahead of that ending would require less poetic, more direct language. Thus, some of the reasoning behind my in-line suggestions, above.

As an aside, I used to joke with myself about playing Russian roulette with an imaginary gun: loading a single round, spinning the chamber, pulling the trigger... when I'm still there, saying, "I guess I just gotta put up with this shit."

[TranquillityBase]

.

Can you explain just what it is the salesman is selling, preferably in a single word? ... There's your title.

Not really.  And definitely not in one word.  Something like a desire for non-existence.  Which too much isolation leads to.

Until then, how about

Peace of Mind / Red Music

For surprisingly little cost

you can massively increase

all the voices ............................................................think 'voices' needs a modifier, 'manifold', 'mutinous', 'mercurial'?  Yes, thanks for the great choices!

curled inside the empty chambers

of the revolver pointed at your head.

It doesn't take much

just synchronize your heartbeat

with the diminishing sun                   really like "setting" better.  Have you heard of the term sunsetting in relation to older folks?  It's happening to me, a restlessness at sunset.

and erase the red music

at the edges of the flesh

erase the red music

until there is no horizon.

erase the red music

so easy, anyone could do it.

This is a very cool rewrite.  I may have to steal this.  Really like the repetition at the end.

---

OK Tim -
I'll take another shot at it (pun intended):   Fire away!

For surprisingly little cost
you can vastly increase
the voices curled
inside the empty chambers  I think the gun should be loaded  I'm divided about this
of the revolver pointed at your head.

Merely synchronize
your diminishing heartbeat "breathing" would be more to the point than "diminishing heartbeat"    don't think I can give that up
to the setting of the sun
and erase the red music  maybe "engage"
at the edges of the flesh   stumble here every time I read it
until there is no horizon. re-think "until there is no" to simply "beyond the" ?

I guess I'm preferring to keep much of what you see cutting....

So easy anyone can do it. I still like this as a final line: trying to sell the idea of suicide to oneself (I get the dark humor). That said, the "sales pitch" ahead of that ending would require less poetic, more direct language. Thus, some of the reasoning behind my in-line suggestions, above.

I think, even if I steal Knot's version,  I need to work on that more.

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB.

This is a very cool rewrite. I may have to steal this. Really like the repetition at the end.

How can you steal from yourself? All I did was move things around a bit.

really like "setting" better. Have you heard of the term sunsetting in relation to older folks? It's happening to me, a restlessness at sunset.

I hadn't, but looked it up, found 'sundowning', which seems to be the same thing. Regardless, surely this (Sundowning/Sunsetting) is your title? And leave 'diminishing' the way it is.

Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

.

really like "setting" better. Have you heard of the term sunsetting in relation to older folks? It's happening to me, a restlessness at sunset.

I hadn't, but looked it up, found 'sundowning', which seems to be the same thing. Regardless, surely this (Sundowning/Sunsetting) is your title? And leave 'diminishing' the way it is.

.

Yep, hit me in the night I'd used wrong term...was going to correct it.  Ah, the Golden Years......

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB,

like the revision (though still think 'pointing' is redundant)

My only niggle is with 'falling' - it suggests a rapidity/speed that seems out of kilter with the rest. Maybe something like 'faltering'? And you could possibly leave a space between lines 8 and 9?

Anyway, good job!

Best, Knot

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