The End of The World

[savannah]

Sunlight drips over roads  for your first line, perhaps a grabber stronger than "drips over."  Something ike, "Sunlight rapes raddled roads," but better.
lined with skeletons of trees
bearing damage in their tresses.  these two lines are very good

I understand, the first line is pretty weak, and I could not understand how to steer it in the proper direction. Thank you for pointing it out. But the reason I did not use a very strong word is to present a bleak image of sunlight, and how dim the scenery looked.

The air is laden with requiem and apathy.  Always question "the" - how about "Through air deep in.."?
We walk in somber silence  "we trudge somberly," perhaps
watching a charcoal sky crawl down   another suggestion - "watching charcoal sky dissolve"
until it kisses a drying earth, maybe you could restrict use of "a"?  Less can be more.
defeat tucked in its crevasses. perhaps "worn" rather than "tucked," which seems a bit gentle

I agree with the usage of "the" in the first line. The dissolve seems a nice suggestion, but would the next line then be applicable? 
For tucked, I used that to show defeat as being meekly accepted? Maybe it is not the right usage, there. I am sorry.

I remember sonnets written for the sky  See below.
centuries ago
calling her a limpid pool of blue.
Azure, cerulean.
Some words will fade into the ebony smog, forgotten. Have trouble visualizing ebony smog - "sable" or "fly-ash?"

If only people had realized sooner perhaps, "If only people then had realized/that.."
time was barmecidal
and the shadows of their mistakes, to ease the reading, perhaps "and their errors' shades"?
perennial.

I can't, in Basic, say how you *should* have answered the challenge, but will critique how you *did* answer it.

In general, watch "the" and "a" - eliminating them often smooths the flow (and too many can sound a bit pretentious).

Also in general, though this is free verse a consistent rhythmic flow may have value, depending on what you're trying to do.  For example, and my apologies for the rewrite, this is only an example for S3:

  I remember sonnets written to
  a blue sky centuries ago
  calling her a limpid azure pool,
  cerulean.
  Such words fade in this ashy smog, 
  forgotten. 

Your alteration for the verse was exactly what I was looking for. The way I had written it had spoiled the flow and rhythm of the stanza.
So, again in general, look for alternative, more striking words that also create a regular rhythm.

Hope that was not excessive for Basic.  It's got good images that could be made even stronger with fewer words, tells the story by showing, and meets the challenge.

This is not excessive at all. I really appreciate your critique, and for spending time looking for improvements. 
What books would you suggest to read, if I would want to improve my poetry? (Writing free verse, better flow, expression, avoiding cliches, etc).

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Sunlight drips over roads
lined with skeletons of trees

bearing damage in their tresses.





What the sun is doing to the road, maybe the trees, isn't clear. And doesn't need to be, necessarily, maybe it's just shining. Though I'm partial myself to seeing the sun dripping like eggyolk in my habitual adorations.

The damage is stuckon, not stuckin. What damage? The skeleton trees could do with some decor, maybe a comb. Some richer grim scenery. Why are they bearing?  


The sun in this case is just shining. Just very muted sunlight, to indicate a lack of brightness in the scenery. I could use an alternate word for the drip as I know it's the most appropriate word- I should give it more thought.
Well, the next line I wanted to add there originally was "cracked twig and browned leaf". But it seemed a little pretentious to me, and overly expressing, so I took the line out.







The air is laden with requiem and apathy.
We walk in somber silence

The air a silent requiem               The method is to play. Don't try so hard to juggle words, MAKE sense actually means making. 
on apathetic ears
gone charcoal as a sky
nurtured in dry kisses. 

Our/My smog senses
recall sonnets written
 . . . 
Thanks for the suggestions. I wanted to write apathy to indicate that the current scene was a result of past mistakes and a cavalier approach to treating the environment. I used requiem because it's nearing the end of the Earth. Is it still possible to use these words? 


watching a charcoal sky crawl down
until it kisses a drying earth,
defeat tucked in its crevasses.

I remember sonnets written for the sky
centuries ago
calling her a limpid pool of blue.
Azure, cerulean.
Some words will fade into the ebony smog, forgotten.


The point of this stanza comes down to: 


to a sky actually cerulean.

True, I just wanted to indicate how those words may not be in use any more, but given this is close to the end maybe that does not matter. 
If only people had realized sooner
time was barmecidal
and the shadows of their mistakes,
perennial.



You can drop the coda, and shadows. You seem a shadow-obsessed writer. Maybe set your shadowy apparitions more in the shadows. 
You'd need to stretch out the barmecidal smoke a bit to justify its use. An image of taking for granted. But what would happen if you wrote a great poem without the prompted condition? Would the game trump the victory?

I hate the last stanza myself. To me it seemed more like an afterthought. I did want to indicate time as being a barmecidal quantity however. How would you suggest I incorporate that?
I am not exactly shadow-obsessed, but I understand I have used it more than once. It was to indicate that past mistakes lived on in the environment. Can I keep the essence, maybe change the word?
Maybe not having the prompt would make it easier for me to write. I had a lot of trouble with this one. 

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Hi Savannah, 

I'll try to help. Use what you like, ignore the rest. I'm going to get a little more picky than I normally would in basic.

Sunlight drips over roads--I like the idea sunlight drips. This is a good opening image. I am having trouble with over. The proposition seems wrong maybe "onto"
lined with skeletons of trees--To go with the evocative title and pull people in I would restructure this line: new first line: Sunlight drips [over] roads lined with skeletons
Move "of trees" to the start of the new second line. That provides a bit of a surprise and works off the title better.
bearing damage in their tresses.--bearing damage is too vague. Think of something to set the imagery firmly in our minds. Since you are using tresses and that makes us think of womens' hair, perhaps so savagery implied to women in the way you display the image of the trees, or since its the end of the world play with it to show infertility (children of men, handmaid's tale, etc). Subtle choices please but make the image work for you. Right now its flat.

I agree that over in the first line is wrong. I cannot believe I made such an fundamental mistake! I am sorry.
Your suggestion for the second line is much appreciated. The line makes complete sense and fits better now.
I love the idea of moving "of trees" to the next line! Thanks a lot, that seems like a wonderful idea.
I understand what you are saying with the "bearing damage" line. I guess i had to fit damage somewhere and it comes across as forced. I will take your suggestions into consideration and work on this line.

The air is laden with requiem and apathy.--This a vague abstract line. Have something concrete be in the air, that implies the characteristics without laying them out directly.
We walk in somber silence--This is okay though there may be a more economic way to state this.
watching a charcoal sky crawl down--watching isn't a great word. The poet is the observer but the action shouldn't be flat. Under a charcoal sky would even be a better choice.  In what way does the sky crawl down? Is this a cloud front? A trick of the horizon?
until it kisses a drying earth,--You could possibly personify this SLIGHTLY like I'm suggesting with the trees above to imply another aspect of cataclysm. Even if this is simply an emotional metaphor for an event it would still work.
defeat tucked in its crevasses.

I understand the first line is vague. Does the word requiem not fit in there either? Not for the sake of the word per se, but because of the end of the world. Not sure if the word makes it sound too pretentious, however.
The sky crawling down is yes, a trick of the horizon. Would you suggest a different word choice for it? 
The personification in that line seems a little out of my reach, but I will try.

I remember sonnets written for the sky
centuries ago--These two lines could possibly be your new conclusion. If you go that way a slight restructure: I still remember/sonnets written for the sky/centuries ago as a 3 line final strophe.
calling her a limpid pool of blue.
Azure, cerulean.
Some words will fade into the ebony smog, forgotten.--You're doing a lot of visual try blending other senses like taste perhaps. Some words taste acrid in this ebony smog...

If only people had realized sooner--The preaching line will always come across too self-conscious. Cut it.
time was barmecidal--Better to move present tense Time is barmecidal
and the shadows of their mistakes,--Better to go more universal substitute their for our maybe. I would move perennial up to end this line. It's not strong enough to hold the line on its own especially at the end of the poem.
perennial.

I definitely hate how weakly I have written this stanza, and I understand the first line is too self-conscious and preachy. I will definitely need to substitute it. 
Your suggestion for moving up perennial also makes sense- I thought it would be strong to hold its own, but I accept and understand what you say.

All in all, I truly appreciate your effort and suggestions here. I will use them to re-work my poem in a better direction.

I do realize this is a lot for basic. I do like this. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

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@Rowens and @Todd, Apologies if my responses to both of you do not look individual. I did respond to both of your posts separately, but somehow they all look clubbed in one response.