The Thing About Night

[Todd]

Hi Savannah, welcome to the site!

On the whole I like what you've done here. I do have areas I'll point out to you so that you can give them some thought.

The thing about night is--While I like the colloquial tone of this opening, it is a bit flat. "Is" is not a great word to break the line on. The thing about sounds nice but doesn't do much in the line. It's a vehicle to get to the point, but an opening line needs to reach out an pull you in. I think this needs some thought and attention. Even if you decided to keep it. You may be better off doing something like this (using your words here not suggesting alternatives):

The thing about night is that she comes
bearing hindsight and bifocals.

that she comes bearing hindsight
and bifocals.--I like these choices you've made.
And I never looked at a rearview mirror--The more dramatic break here might be after looked
without a speckle.

Day is a seamstress.--When I read this. I think maybe you should be working with a parallel structure. Day is a Seamstress. Night is a Prophetess, a forune-telling machine, a magic 8-ball, whatever just something that holds a similar structure. Your choice obviously to consider.
A loose thread, a lost button,
you bet your pennies her fingers, nimble--I'm not sure the inversion buys you anything. I see no advantage of breaking on nimble over fingers. So, it draws attention to itself and doesn't seem to elevate.
will mask them fine.--Good ideas though here and I like the progression of thought.

But night is a ruse.--Admittingly you do sort of keep the structure here. I don't know if ruse is as good a concrete choice as the profession (seamstress) is above.
She sets out dazzling you with the--please do not break the line on "the" truly unimportant non-thematic word reworking dazzling or sparkles as the end word would be a better choice.
sparkles on her sleeves
but they shine brighter
on those stitches, undone.

Again, while I pointing out things to think about mostly line breaks and structure. I do think this is a good piece. I hope the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd