Dim Glow

[P3t3rW1ll14m]

Dim Glow

My steady gaze reveals the glow in my eyes.
I've suffocated and snuffed out the bright ideas
given to me by the ones basking in wicked light.
They are the ones who treat the dark
as if it were an entity that desires to destroy them.
They try to stay strong while standing on one leg.
Denying balance and believing that
light equates to goodness so as darkness does to evil.

It is a useful metaphor to show contrast.
Not a law to build a belief around.
If you fled from the dark and only lived in the light
You'd impair your sight, become blind to your flaws,
or worse, start to radiate those wicked rays.
Parading your positive poisonous ill intentions
blinding others with your neive ideas,
like starving yourself is a strength.

Good and evil don't live in the light.
They don't dwell in the dark.
They exist in our minds
stuffed into the space between
abstract thought and concrete actions.
Force yourself to feel what is real
with your other senses. Where there is no
distractions to steal your actions from fixing your flaws.

I am inspired by the absence of light!
The strengthening of my other senses
and the sleeping of my sight.
I won't block out the sun or stop
the source of your sins, but I will defend
the darkness i'm shrouded in.
I hope to see the light in your eyes dull
to a dim glow and show the work of your soul.

[Erthona]

Probably this should be one sentence:

"They try to stay strong while standing on one leg.
Denying balance and believing that
light equates to goodness so as darkness does to evil."

Poetrywise this does a fair amount of telling and little showing. Telling generally is not as compelling unless one wants to write philosophy.

I enjoyed the line "I am inspired by the absence of light!". It might be a good line to start a poem.

best,

dale

[P3t3rW1ll14m]

Thank you for you two sense Dale!

[magnoliaflower23]

Hello,
I agree with Dale about making "I am inspired by the absence of light!" the first line. I think the third stanza should come sooner, as this section helps clarify the connections between the rest of the poem, if that makes sense.

This poem is very thought provoking and I think that with more specific organization it will be even more powerful.

Thanks for sharing!

[mlea]

I love your concept! I agree with the previous commenters and would recommend re-reading and considering places you can "show" rather than "tell". I think the introductory lines of the first two stanzas could particularly use attention in this area: 

"My steady gaze reveals the glow in my eyes"
and
"It is a useful metaphor to show contrast"

Your metaphor is strong enough to stand on its own and doesn't need to be pointed out so directly. The third and fourth stanzas are where the poem really shines. I think the alliteration with the letter "s" works at the end. I was a little confused by your rhyme scheme because there seemed to be some rhyming phrases sprinkled at random throughout. For example in the lines:

"If you fled from the dark and only lived in the light
You'd impair your sight, become blind to your flaws"

the sentence structure feels a bit forced in order to make a rhyme work that I don't think you need. Overall, it's a good draft. Don't be scared to keep only the best parts in your revision.