02-27-2020, 03:13 PM
Hi, thanks for sharing your piece. I have a few notes to offer:
I love the sentiment of the protector, but to me that powerful content seems unnecessarily restrained by rhyme. I know rhyme often feels like the "safe" way to write poetry, but I assure you, the rhyming isn't what makes this poem a poem; the feeling is. For instance, the line "this mountain, I could always climb" feels a little bit clunky and appears to be written specifically so the last word would fit the rhyme scheme. I'd be interested to see what you could do if you broke away from the rhyming in favor of conveying the message.
On that note, I feel that you could really cut loose with rhythm, too. As it is, and I mean this with no unkindness, the poem reads a bit like a telegraph: "I'm on the off beaten track. (Stop.) scared, I want to turn back. (Stop.)" etc. Varying sentence length will instantaneously give the poem more dimension and, more importantly, allow you to be more descriptive.
Lastly, I'm a little confused about the transition between speakers. Unless I'm misreading it, it appears that after the fourth line, the narrator switches from the original speaker to the spirit animal. Then, around line 9, it appears to switch again. I know it may seem as if context is enough, but unless the switch is explicitly illustrated, I'd recommend quotation marks or italics.
Again, thank you for sharing your piece. I think you've got a good thing going, and regardless of how much of my advice you find useful, I hope you continue to polish it.
I love the sentiment of the protector, but to me that powerful content seems unnecessarily restrained by rhyme. I know rhyme often feels like the "safe" way to write poetry, but I assure you, the rhyming isn't what makes this poem a poem; the feeling is. For instance, the line "this mountain, I could always climb" feels a little bit clunky and appears to be written specifically so the last word would fit the rhyme scheme. I'd be interested to see what you could do if you broke away from the rhyming in favor of conveying the message.
On that note, I feel that you could really cut loose with rhythm, too. As it is, and I mean this with no unkindness, the poem reads a bit like a telegraph: "I'm on the off beaten track. (Stop.) scared, I want to turn back. (Stop.)" etc. Varying sentence length will instantaneously give the poem more dimension and, more importantly, allow you to be more descriptive.
Lastly, I'm a little confused about the transition between speakers. Unless I'm misreading it, it appears that after the fourth line, the narrator switches from the original speaker to the spirit animal. Then, around line 9, it appears to switch again. I know it may seem as if context is enough, but unless the switch is explicitly illustrated, I'd recommend quotation marks or italics.
Again, thank you for sharing your piece. I think you've got a good thing going, and regardless of how much of my advice you find useful, I hope you continue to polish it.
