I'm on the off beaten track.
Scared, I want to turn back.
I'm alone and feeling broken.
I hear your words, though unspoken.
When you cry, know I am there.
I walk with you, protect you, I'm everywhere.
Feel my strength, when you cannot see.
Keep going, believe in you. You come from me.
My journey begins again, but I know you are near.
My spirit roars, my fears disappear.
And I realize, for the first time,
this mountain, I could always climb.
Hi, thanks for sharing your piece. I have a few notes to offer:
I love the sentiment of the protector, but to me that powerful content seems unnecessarily restrained by rhyme. I know rhyme often feels like the "safe" way to write poetry, but I assure you, the rhyming isn't what makes this poem a poem; the feeling is. For instance, the line "this mountain, I could always climb" feels a little bit clunky and appears to be written specifically so the last word would fit the rhyme scheme. I'd be interested to see what you could do if you broke away from the rhyming in favor of conveying the message.
On that note, I feel that you could really cut loose with rhythm, too. As it is, and I mean this with no unkindness, the poem reads a bit like a telegraph: "I'm on the off beaten track. (Stop.) scared, I want to turn back. (Stop.)" etc. Varying sentence length will instantaneously give the poem more dimension and, more importantly, allow you to be more descriptive.
Lastly, I'm a little confused about the transition between speakers. Unless I'm misreading it, it appears that after the fourth line, the narrator switches from the original speaker to the spirit animal. Then, around line 9, it appears to switch again. I know it may seem as if context is enough, but unless the switch is explicitly illustrated, I'd recommend quotation marks or italics.
Again, thank you for sharing your piece. I think you've got a good thing going, and regardless of how much of my advice you find useful, I hope you continue to polish it.
Hi Xyroph,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write your feedback and kind critique. It was very helpful. I'm glad you mentioned about the rhyme because I had been thinking the exact thing when I was writing this. Originally I just wanted to write what was in my heart but ended up changing it to rhyme. I am going to continue to work on this. Thanks again Xyroph.
Alexxis_99,
Welcome to the site.
If I were to give you one comment of critique, it is this piece does not have a strong rhythmic componnet, causing it to read more as prose instead of poetry.
best,
dale
Thank you for sharing your work! The title of your post really drew me in. I agree with the previous comments and am excited to see a second draft that breaks away from the current rhyming scheme. I think that clarifying the subjects will go a long way in making this poem relatable. I would decide whether "you" is the writer or the bear and stick to that throughout.
I think you have a really interesting first line, with the dissonance of "on" and "off" and the syncopation of the rhythm. In comparison, the subsequent lines sound a little formulaic in their rhythm. In particular, the line "I walk with you, protect you, I'm everywhere," sounded a little choppy to me.
I hope that is helpful. Thank you again for sharing!