01-08-2020, 02:41 PM
Hi Josh,
I appreciate your commentary and I'm flattered that everyone is so into my little poem! Here's my rewrite, after considering your suggestions!
First, her loyal Converses
guiding her around halls and classrooms
between AP Calc, drama, English
between friend drama and boys' crushes on her and hers on boys.
She held onto those. They took her everywhere.
Second, her rough tanned Timberlands
Sturdy, strong, and flexible
with which she lifted herself up mountains.
whenever she realized had the strength to tire herself out.
Third, good old Nordstrom high heels
which were slightly more strategic shoes
They helped in the office on important days and important nights.
Effective with pantyhose.
Finally the old pair of sneakers
She had on in the crash.
We brought a beloved knee dress to the funeral home
But the ask for shoes didn't make sense
It was almost disrespectful to keep her toes off of coffin silk.
Let her go barefoot.
In strophe #1 I kind of combined HS crushes male and female into the same verse - they are kind of the same thing crush-wise, if you're straight. Strophe #2 and #3 needed minor modifications. I don't really know what her sneakers looked like after the crash - only that she was wearing them - so they kind of form a symbol of death, not life, so not so descriptive. strophe #4, the sneakers aren't meant to be a symbol of life but of death, so they stay. Strophe $5 got tightened uo.
I appreciate your commentary and I'm flattered that everyone is so into my little poem! Here's my rewrite, after considering your suggestions!
First, her loyal Converses
guiding her around halls and classrooms
between AP Calc, drama, English
between friend drama and boys' crushes on her and hers on boys.
She held onto those. They took her everywhere.
Second, her rough tanned Timberlands
Sturdy, strong, and flexible
with which she lifted herself up mountains.
whenever she realized had the strength to tire herself out.
Third, good old Nordstrom high heels
which were slightly more strategic shoes
They helped in the office on important days and important nights.
Effective with pantyhose.
Finally the old pair of sneakers
She had on in the crash.
We brought a beloved knee dress to the funeral home
But the ask for shoes didn't make sense
It was almost disrespectful to keep her toes off of coffin silk.
Let her go barefoot.
In strophe #1 I kind of combined HS crushes male and female into the same verse - they are kind of the same thing crush-wise, if you're straight. Strophe #2 and #3 needed minor modifications. I don't really know what her sneakers looked like after the crash - only that she was wearing them - so they kind of form a symbol of death, not life, so not so descriptive. strophe #4, the sneakers aren't meant to be a symbol of life but of death, so they stay. Strophe $5 got tightened uo.