Generation Next

[EmBee]

Hello, 
I'm a newbie. However, no need to be too gentile and kind... :-) 

Thanks for any and all help. 

Generation Next 

I am a prayer,risen
from tattooed numbers
burned blue into the future. 
Auschwitz and Dachau,
Europes's shtetles and D.P. camps. 
Death inhaled from grey ashes. 

I am the scarred remnants, 
burdened with life, 
attached by birth to burial 
grounds, fragile memorials
bone mountains. 

Kneeling on holy ground, 
stilled breath, smoky air, 
I carry the hallowed memories
into generation next. 

Blessed. Cursed. Eternal.

[rowens]

I am the scarred remnants,
burdened with life,
attached by birth to burial
grounds, fragile memorials
bone mountains.

That's the best chapter. Being new to the site, myslf.
There is no holy grounds. And the tattoos being forced, I can see, being blue.
I can see.

The em . . . , I wouldn't be so into Generation Next. If you were really there.

[RecoveryWarrior]

There's only one spot I struggled with here and that is
"Attached by birth to burial/ ground, fragile memorials" that break between burial and grounds throws me off a bit. I think you could change it to "attached by birth/ to burial grounds, fragile memorials" or to "attached by birth to burial grounds/ fragile memorials". Personally I like the second better as it let's fragile memorials sit on it's own which gives it it's own weight.

[billy]

hi embee and welcome.

i had to look up shtetles [always good to learn something new]
not a lot i can see i'd want changing. a couple of excess words and the last line stood out as unneeded. everything we need is in the body of the poem which i enjoyed reading specially the lack of cliche.

Hello, 
I'm a newbie. However, no need to be too gentile and kind... :-) 

Thanks for any and all help. 

Generation Next 

I am a prayer,risen needs a space between the two last words.
from tattooed numbers is [from needed]?
burned blue into the future. 
Auschwitz and Dachau,
Europes's shtetles and D.P. camps. 
Death inhaled from grey ashes. 

I am the scarred remnants, 
burdened with life, 
attached by birth to burial 
grounds, fragile memorials
bone mountains. some solid imagery.

Kneeling on holy ground, 
stilled breath, smoky air, 
I carry the hallowed memories
into generation next. 

Blessed. Cursed. Eternal. not sure this line add anything, the poem shows a better image.

[EmBee]

Thank you all for your input on this poem!

[Poet26389]

I would delete the comma from "I am a prayer risen".

[Pinprick]

I really liked this piece. I think you did a very good job balancing the emotional attention that this topic deserves with the respect and solemness that it also deserves. It wasn’t melodramatic, and the imagery used was creative and impactful. It has a message and a deeper meaning that the majority of other poems seem to lack, in my opinion. I disagree with the other criticisms regarding the word “is” in the second line. It seems to make sense to me the way I read it. I do think the last line should go, and I wonder if saying “the next generation” rather than “generation next” would be better. But otherwise I think it’s great.

[EmBee]

[quote="Pinprick" pid='248000' dateline='1578193332']
I really liked this piece. I think you did a very good job balancing the emotional attention that this topic deserves with the respect and solemness that it also deserves. It wasn’t melodramatic, and the imagery used was creative and impactful. It has a message and a deeper meaning that the majority of other poems seem to lack, in my opinion. I disagree with the other criticisms regarding the word “is” in the second line. It seems to make sense to me the way I read it. I do think the last line should go, and I wonder if saying “the next generation” rather than “generation next” would be better. But otherwise I think it’s great.
[/quote

Thanks for your input and understanding the balance I was trying to achieve.  To explain, I used 'generation next' in order to place it within the frame of something like 'gen x' or gen. y... etc.  Thanks again... 

M. 
']

[Knot]

.

Hi Embee,

some strong stuff here, but a terrible title.

(Just read your explantion to pinprick, it makes sense, but I'm not sure who will get it).

I could perhaps be tauter/tighter.

Just a thought


Custodian of Auschwitz,

Europes's shtetles,

[progeny] of D.P. camps.

remnant, burdened

by birth

[from] burial mounds

I am the prayer

[of] tattooed numbers

burning blue into the future.


Best, Knot.

ps. The 'gentile' pun was very nice too.



.

[audrey]

Absolutely love the first line and many others , there is not much at all I would change,
It is strong has impactful lines and great images. The dark tone of the poem matched the content perfectly,
the last line though, seems to take me out of the mood you portrayed so well

[bbcashdollar]

Thanks for sharing. I like some of your phrasing. I don't like the tile, sounds like a non-profit or think take. 

Hello, 
I'm a newbie. However, no need to be too gentile and kind... :-) 

Thanks for any and all help. 

Generation Next 

I am a prayer,risen <- space
from tattooed numbers
burned blue into the future <- Clear image
Auschwitz and Dachau,
Europes's shtetles and D.P. camps. <- I had to look up shtetles and DP Camps as well, maybe italicize to let the reader know it's specific. 
Death inhaled from grey ashes. 

I am the scarred remnants, 
burdened with life, 
attached by birth to burial <- is there a reason why burial grounds is split?
grounds, fragile memorials
bone mountains. 

Kneeling on holy ground, 
stilled breath, smoky air, 
I carry the hallowed memories
into generation next. <- I don't love this stanza. The imagery above is very strong, this doesn't seem to match its power. The narrator would carry more than memories, there would be inherited trauma shaping culture. Strengthen this stanza and it will be a very powerful piece. 

Blessed. Cursed. Eternal.