01-08-2020, 10:45 AM
First, her loyal Converses
guiding her around halls and classrooms I like the aspect of the Converse shoes guiding her.
between AP Calc, drama, English
between friend drama and boys' crushes on her
and hers on boys This and the preceding line are slightly awkward for me even after several readings.
She held onto those. They took her everywhere. The usage of "took" does a good job of bolstering the thought of "guiding" from line 2.
Second, her rough tanned Timberlands
Sturdy, strong, and flexible
with which she pulled herself up mountains "pulled" makes me think of rock climbing shoes, and I do not think Timberland makes those.
when she realized she had the strength This line does not add much to the poem. Do you have to have this?
and made her good tired. This is the weakest line of the poem for me.
Third, good old Nordstrom high heels
which were slightly more strategic shoes I love that you focus on the "strategic" purpose of the high heels, and not their aesthetics.
Helped in the office on important days and elsewhere on important nights An adequate job of showing the purpose, but the line feels so long. Can this be shortened, or expounded upon and broken up over two lines?
Best with pantyhose. I believe I like the thought of the line, just not the execution of it.
Finally the old pair of sneakers (See below)
She had on in the crash.
We brought a beloved sheath dress to the funeral home Slightly perplexed by "sheath". Was she literally buried in a tight formfitting dress?
But the ask for shoes didn't make sense
It was almost disrespectful Great line. For me "disrespectful" applies to so much, and is perfectly timed.
To keep her toes off coffin silk. Please keep "toes".
Let her go barefoot. This is your best line, and your best strophe.
I read this as simple, personal, and sweet. You did a good job of taking simple objects and conveying meaning through them. The shoes do illustrate activity and life to me, but instead of associating that with denial I end up linking them to a celebration of the life lived in them. If the design of the poem was to touch on the denial aspect of grief then this reader unfortunately does not get there. I think how you ended your poem was great, and it finishes strong.
Your fourth strophe is short and terse. I am sure you have your reasons for this, maybe you are illustrating or alluding to a life cut short, maybe you are touching upon how quickly the accident occurred from departure, or maybe something else entirely. I wonder if you could illuminate the sneakers as you have the other shoes, and still achieve the goals you have for this fine poem? As an idea I wonder if you could show us how the shoes looked, and then in the final line of the strophe let us know that they looked this way as a result of the accident. As a long hackneyed example for you to parse:
Finally the new pair of sneakers.
White gradually shading
to black with a splattering
of red. Toes protruding
through holes, laces tattered,
and sole separating
from attachments.
A custom design, courtesy
of oncoming traffic.
You are the author; you are the designer of this special piece. Take some of the concepts here and adjust them to your purposes, or don't and let your beautiful work stand as it currently does-something to be immensely pleased with.
guiding her around halls and classrooms I like the aspect of the Converse shoes guiding her.
between AP Calc, drama, English
between friend drama and boys' crushes on her
and hers on boys This and the preceding line are slightly awkward for me even after several readings.
She held onto those. They took her everywhere. The usage of "took" does a good job of bolstering the thought of "guiding" from line 2.
Second, her rough tanned Timberlands
Sturdy, strong, and flexible
with which she pulled herself up mountains "pulled" makes me think of rock climbing shoes, and I do not think Timberland makes those.
when she realized she had the strength This line does not add much to the poem. Do you have to have this?
and made her good tired. This is the weakest line of the poem for me.
Third, good old Nordstrom high heels
which were slightly more strategic shoes I love that you focus on the "strategic" purpose of the high heels, and not their aesthetics.
Helped in the office on important days and elsewhere on important nights An adequate job of showing the purpose, but the line feels so long. Can this be shortened, or expounded upon and broken up over two lines?
Best with pantyhose. I believe I like the thought of the line, just not the execution of it.
Finally the old pair of sneakers (See below)
She had on in the crash.
We brought a beloved sheath dress to the funeral home Slightly perplexed by "sheath". Was she literally buried in a tight formfitting dress?
But the ask for shoes didn't make sense
It was almost disrespectful Great line. For me "disrespectful" applies to so much, and is perfectly timed.
To keep her toes off coffin silk. Please keep "toes".
Let her go barefoot. This is your best line, and your best strophe.
I read this as simple, personal, and sweet. You did a good job of taking simple objects and conveying meaning through them. The shoes do illustrate activity and life to me, but instead of associating that with denial I end up linking them to a celebration of the life lived in them. If the design of the poem was to touch on the denial aspect of grief then this reader unfortunately does not get there. I think how you ended your poem was great, and it finishes strong.
Your fourth strophe is short and terse. I am sure you have your reasons for this, maybe you are illustrating or alluding to a life cut short, maybe you are touching upon how quickly the accident occurred from departure, or maybe something else entirely. I wonder if you could illuminate the sneakers as you have the other shoes, and still achieve the goals you have for this fine poem? As an idea I wonder if you could show us how the shoes looked, and then in the final line of the strophe let us know that they looked this way as a result of the accident. As a long hackneyed example for you to parse:
Finally the new pair of sneakers.
White gradually shading
to black with a splattering
of red. Toes protruding
through holes, laces tattered,
and sole separating
from attachments.
A custom design, courtesy
of oncoming traffic.
You are the author; you are the designer of this special piece. Take some of the concepts here and adjust them to your purposes, or don't and let your beautiful work stand as it currently does-something to be immensely pleased with.
Joshua J. Smith