A Life in Four Pairs of Shoes

[billy]

hi 26389. not a lot wrong with this. i enjoyed reading it a lot.
too good for basic crit but i'll try and keep it brief. i think you could use a few images throughout the piece. other than that not much i'd change, i stumbled a little withe [there] in each stanza but relized you didn't mean [they] by the third stanza and that the shoes were the triggers. a solid write.

Hi all. Hoping you'll give me some guidance on this. Written about a cousin of mine who died in a shitty, shitty accident. That said, spare no criticism in making it better!


There were her Converse sneakers
old, beloved, and loyal
which guided her around halls and classrooms
between AP Calc, drama, English
between friend drama and boys' crushes
and her crushes would it work better without [and] would it have more power with line spacing above and below?
She held onto those. They took her everywhere. the last part of the sentence feels a little week. overall i think you could use a strong image to round off the stanza.

There were bulky Timberland boots
Sturdy, strong, and flexible
with which she pulled herself up mountains and around riverbeds
when she realized she had the strength to do it
and get good tired. again this last line feels a little weak and the stanza is in need of at least one god image, be it simile or metaphor]

There were good old Nordstrom high heels
Suggestive and uplifting
which were slightly more strategic shoes
Helped in the office on important days. Elsewhere on important nights
Best with pantyhose.

There were the old pair of sneakers
She had on when the crash happened. i like this couplet being separated

We brought a dress she loved to the funeral home
But the ask for shoes didn't make sense
It was almost disrespectful.
As if she was going to wake up and need to walk on
Linoleum, dirt, marble.
As if her toes needed protection from pleated coffin silk.
Let her go barefoot. for me, this was the best stanza. the emotion in it is solid.